Is Love a Battlefield? Broadening Our Lens of Abuse in Intimate Relationships.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Your home is supposed to be a place of safety, where you can unwind from the day's stresses and find support and love from your partner or family members. However, for more than 10 million men and women in the US, home is a battlefield. The Department of Justice defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by an individual to gain or maintain control over another. Domestic violence takes many forms and is not limited to physical abuse. Emotional abuse, economic, sexual, psychological, the use of threats, stalking, and cyberstalking are also forms of domestic violence.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. There is no age group, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or education level that is immune. Victims can be an intimate partner or dating, a spouse, child, family member, or cohabitant.

Domestic Violence Statistics

·    1 in 4 women have experienced domestic violence

·    1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence

·    2 in 5 gay or bisexual men have experienced domestic violence

·    63% of homeless women have experienced domestic violence

·    Half of all women and men in the US will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner

·    It is estimated between 3 and 5 million children witness domestic violence each year

·    50% of batters who abuse their partner also abuse their children

·    A male child who witnesses domestic violence is 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate domestic violence as an adult

·    1 out of every 3 people who are injured due to domestic violence seek medical care for their injuries

·    The majority of domestic violence incidents are never reported. On average, a victim of domestic violence will experience 3-4 incidents of violence before calling the police.

Types of Domestic Violence

Physical

·    Hitting, slapping, punching, hair pulling, choking, shoving, etc.

·    Prevents you from calling the police or from obtaining medical treatment for your injuries

·    Will not let you eat or limits your food

·    Will not let you sleep or limits the amount of time you sleep

·    Driving recklessly when you are in the car or abandons you in an unfamiliar place

Sexual

·    You are coerced into sexual contact or sexual acts, that you are not comfortable performing

·    Rape

·    Demanding sex when you are tired or sick

·    In rare cases, a perpetrator may purposely transmit an STD onto their partner

* Being in a relationship with someone or being married does not mean that you owe your partner physical intimacy.

Economic

·    You have zero control over money or budgeting

·    Partner withholds access to funds

·    Partner prevents you from going to work

·    Partner refuses to work in order to support dependents

*Economic abuse serves to keep the victim completely reliant on the perpetrator, so they do not have the financial resources to leave the relationship.

Psychological and Emotional

·    Threats to hurt you, themselves, your children, family members, friends, or pets.

·    Name-calling, insults, constant criticism and shaming

·    Your partner tells you that you are to blame for the abuse because you said or did something he/she did not like

·    Punching walls, throwing objects, or damaging personal property

·    Where you go, who you call and who you spend time with is monitored

·    Your partner tries to control what clothing you wear and/or how much makeup you wear

·    Your partner has injured your relationships with others through gossip or false accusations

·    Your partner has interfered with your ability to have a relationship with your children or parent them effectively

Stalking * Important Note: Most stalking behaviors occur when the victim is getting ready to leave the relationship or has just left. This period is the most dangerous for a domestic violence victim.

·    You receive constants phone calls or texts from your partner when you are not physically together. * Always wanting to be in contact with each other during the beginning of a relationship is normal. However, if this continues after the honeymoon phase, and if it interferes with your ability to live your own life separate from your partner, it is a form of stalking. The cute messages turn to criticisms or demands. Constant contact allows your partner to track where you are, what you are doing, and ensures you have no time for anything outside of what he/she wants.

·    Follows you when you leave the house, work or while running errands

·    Shows up at your home or place of employment

·    Sends you unwanted gifts

·    Collects information about you and your activities from mutual friends

·    Threatens to harm you, your children or family members

·    Calls you repeatedly

·    Sends you notes or letters through the mail or leaves them at your home or in your car.

Cyberstalking, Harassment, and Abuse

·    Sends you repeated emails that cause distress

·    Makes comments or posts about you on social media sites that involve shaming, name-calling, or derogatory language meant to humiliate you.

Domestic violence often, but not always, follows a pattern.

·    Tension: You feel like you are walking on eggshells and are trying to keep your partner calm. Your partner starts to get angry.

·    Incident: An abusive event occurs; the incident can be physical, psychological, sexual, financial, etc.

·    Honeymoon Phase: The abuser apologizes and expresses shame, places blame and minimizes, makes promises, brings gifts, pretends it never happened.

·    Calm

This cycle repeats itself, going around in a predictable circle creating a trauma bond.

Trauma Bonding

Dopamine is a pleasure hormone. During the tension phase of abuse, the victim has raised cortisol levels and fears being hurt or abandoned. The abuse occurs. After the abusive incident, the abuser apologizes and is affectionate. The victim experiences a rush of dopamine, making them feel secure and calm. The tension phase will return, and the cycle continues. What is occurring is a biological attachment that is formed with inconsistent reinforcement. Like an addiction, much is promised, there are fleeting moments of bliss, and then it sucks away your soul. While trauma bonding makes it easier for the victim to survive inside the relationship, it also zaps the victims' ability to evaluate danger and make sound decisions. The victim sees no way out of the relationship. Trauma bonds create a hormonal rollercoaster that puts a tremendous amount of stress on the body. The high-stress levels can cause chest pains, acne, arthritic type pains, migraines, and a lowered immune system.

Long Term Effects of Domestic Violence on Victims

·    Generalized chronic pain or pain and scars from physical abuse

·    Gastrointestinal disturbances

·    Insomnia

·    PTSD, Depression or Anxiety

·    Increased risk of hypertension

·    Eating disorders

·    Job loss due to time away to recover from injuries or see physicians

·    A feeling of shame

·    Low self-esteem

·    Isolation

·    Financial Hardships

Long Term Effects on Child Witnesses

·    Guilt

·    Anger

·    Shame

·    Depression

·    Sadness

·    Hyer-Vigilance

·    Stomachaches

·    Headaches

·    Inability to concentrate

·    PTSD, Depression, or Anxiety

·    At an increased risk of drug or alcohol abuse and juvenile delinquency.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental illness. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099

Coping with Feelings: It is not always wise to forgive and forget.

Author: Lynda Benigno

 There are dozens of quotes from philosophers and religious clergy espousing the tenents of forgiveness.  While the idea of forgiveness is noble, in situations in which deep hurt or trauma has occurred, forgiveness may be the exact opposite of what a person needs. For them to forgive is to ignore the fundamental emotional and mental process that needs to occur. The definition of forgiveness is to grant pardon to a person for an offense, to absolve and cease to feel resentment. The real nuance of forgiveness places the focus on the other person, to relieve them of any wrongdoing. The expectation is that any negative emotion towards the other person ceases to exist.

 I am saying bull to the whole facade. Forgiveness is not needed to move on, to heal, or be healthy. Emotions are not always logical; however, ignoring your feelings will not work. Our emotions carry essential messages; anger, hurt, and sadness tell us to be careful and to take care of ourselves. Forgiveness can not be forced. Refusing to forgive does not make you a bad person, a negative person, or unenlightened. You are entitled to your feelings, to honor them and listen to what they are telling you because they are there for a reason.

 There are many instances in which forgiving can do more harm than good. We live in a time when society tells us that the dark emotions we have are "bad". Instead of allowing ourselves to feel them, we should stuff them down. Forgiveness is touted as a cure-all for being hurt by another person. Prescribing forgiveness to someone after severe betrayal, abuse, or trauma only serves to heap guilt on top of the anger and hurt the victim is already feeling. You are telling them that they are to ignore their own needs to cater to the other persons emotional well being. There have been cases in which family members will turn their backs on the victim of abuse because they won't let go, forgive, and go with the program.  Someone who has been deeply hurt may tell others they have forgiven to relieve the pressure and constant clamoring for them to do so. The situation then becomes more stressful because they must live a lie by pretending everything is okay. Doing this can lead to depression and isolation.  I implore anyone who gets told that their reaction to feeling hurt is the problem, not the offense itself, to RUN! It is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

 True forgiveness is a process with no time limit. The offender must be held accountable for their actions and understand the damage they have done. Discussions need to take place in which full responsibility is taken, and genuine guilt and remorse are displayed. A sincere apology absent of excuses is required. The person on the receiving end needs to be given the time and space that they need to work through their emotions.

 Moreover, to forgive before any accountability prevents the offender from learning from their mistake. Some betrayals are so egregious that forgiveness is tantamount to handing the other person a bullet so they can take another shot. It is up to you to decide what relationships are worth repairing and which ones are not.

 Healing should always be your goal. It is okay to feel anger.  It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel betrayed. Use the emotions you have to build and reinforce boundaries that will protect you from the other person if the situation calls for it. Spend time talking to those who love you and care about your well being. These people will not pressure you to be anywhere emotionally  except where you are and can be a tremendous source of support. Pay close attention to your feelings and manage them to the best of your ability. Talk therapy can help sort out confusing emotions and give you the tools to manage your feelings when they arise. Take care of yourself by eating well and getting enough exercise and sleep.  Take a stand for your own needs and recognize that healing does not require forgiveness. Healing requires acknowledging your emotions and working through them to find peace within yourself. If you are in a situation where forgiveness comes easy, that is wonderful. If not, let yourself off the hook. To thy own self be true.

 The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

A Right to a Healthy Relationship Starts with Healthy Choices.

Author: Lynda Benigno

In our life, no area seems more complicated than our relationship with others. Relationships of all kinds require effort. We try to adapt to others faults, moods, and preferences, and hopefully, others do the same. Healthy relationships comprise of mutual respect, empathy, compassion, and a general interest in the well being, growth and happiness of the other person. No matter your relationship to another person; parent to child, spouse to spouse or friendship, you should feel safe, loved, and accepted for who you are. In healthy relationships, disagreements and minor power struggles occur, with both parties willing and able to resolve them with open communication and compromise.

Toxic relationships are harmful to our well being, contributing to stress, anxiety, depression, and medical problems such as heart disease. A relationship that has inequality, selfishness, dominance, control, and destructive behavior patterns make you feel emotionally and mentally drained. You begin to avoid the other person or keep your time with them short. A toxic relationship may also consist of physical violence or substance abuse, and in this case, intervention is required, get help immediately.

It can be challenging to tell if a relationship is toxic because no relationship is perfect all of the time. Answering these questions can help you figure out if a relationship is toxic.

1. Does the other person insist on having things their way with little consideration of your feelings or needs?

2. When you spend time with the other person, do you feel drained instead of energized?

3. Do you trust the other person?

4. Is the other person always angry or hostile?

5. Does the other person always have unfolding drama or problems that they want you to engage in or help fix?

6. Does the other person always judge or criticize you?

7. Does the other person support your emotional and physical well being?

8. Do you change your opinions or needs based on what the other person wants to keep the peace?

9. Do you feel uncomfortable around the other person?

10. Are you unable to grow and learn in the presence of the other person?

11. Does being around the other person bring out the worst in you?

12. Do you find yourself going along with ideas or actions that are contrary to your ethical code of conduct?

13. Does the other person use guilt as a weapon such as appearing to support a decision and then remind you of how the decision inconvenienced them?

14. Does the other person have a short fuse and you avoid doing or saying anything that might set them off?

15. Does the other person insult you and then smile and say its a joke?

We humans have a fundamental need to connect and be close to each other. Having positive relationships is vital for our well being. If you recognize these traits in any of your relationships, you owe it to yourself to address them with the other person. If you are both looking for a way to improve your relationship, therapy can be an excellent first step. If the other party is not interested in discussing and changing the relationship dynamics, then separation from this person may be your only option. Continuing to expose yourself to an unhealthy relationship will cost you your mental and physical health and potentially breed ongoing conflict.

*Important Note: If you are in a relationship where there is physical violence and or substance abuse, only confront the other person if and when it is safe to do so. Seek out professional help from someone who has experience with domestic violence and or substance abuse. Confronting the other person alone may put your safety at risk. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-3224.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are suffering, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience.

Author: Lynda Benigno

We have all heard the saying "Patience is a virtue". We live in a world of instant everything, and so we have come to expect immediate gratification. When we find ourselves in a situation that isn't going according to plan or what we want is not provided right away, we tend to feel a flood of emotions. Impatience increases adrenaline, cortisol, and blood pressure that eventually leads to heart disease. You are also more likely to make rash decisions or damage relationships. On the flip side, fostering patience can lead to improved relations, communication, decision making and less stress that affects the mind and body. Patience is a skill that we can learn and with practice becomes a way of being.

Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience

Certain situations may arise throughout your day that trigger impatience. Perhaps you are waiting in a long line at the grocery store while on your lunch break or with your kids. You begin to feel angry or irritated. You want to tell the cashier to hurry up, you are on a time crunch, or the kids are having a meltdown. You can't understand why it's taking so long to check out. Making a list of these moments allows you to become conscious of the scenarios in which impatience occurs, so you are better prepared to use healthy coping strategies.

Understand The Feelings That Occur When Impatience Arises

We want to feel comfortable at all times. When impatience appears, it can feel like intolerable emotional pain. When we understand that uncomfortable is different from intolerable, we can better manage our response. Recognizing the feelings that occur is a response to our lack of control over the situation and is not as big as we make it in our heads helps to lessen the impact of the inconvenience you are experiencing.

Work On The Narrative In Your Head

The thoughts you have and the way you talk to yourself has a significant impact on your response to any given situation. If you are standing in a long line, you might think " I can't stand waiting, I have so much to do" or " Why is this line so slow". Perhaps you begin to think about other times you were in a long line and how you felt at that moment. You start to compare that moment with the present moment and feel your emotions heighten. When this thought process begins to occur, slow yourself down. Take a deep breath and acknowledge the thoughts you just had. Remind yourself that you are disappointed in the situation, and it is making you uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable is tolerable. The situation is temporary and in the grand scheme of things is not that big of a deal.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening requires patience. When we actively listen to another person, they feel heard, and our responses are better thought out. When someone is speaking, we tend to prepare our response while they are still talking instead of soaking in everything being said. You can practice active listening by quieting your thoughts and solely concentrating on what you are hearing. When the other person is finished talking, take a moment to think out your response. The conversation slows down, communication improves, and both people feel understood and heard.

Look At The Big Picture

Problem-solving becomes easier and less stressful if you look at it from different angles. Impatience causes us to make quick and sometimes irrational decisions. When you take the time to slow down, explore all of your options and the different outcomes associated with each, you are more likely to make an educated and rational choice. Even if a decision needs to be made quickly, taking a moment to think of the consequences as opposed to jumping to the first thought in your mind is always a better choice.

Desired Outcome and Looking from Another Perspective

We all have the ability to help or hurt in any given situation. When you become impatient, you may lash out. You may shout at the cashier to hurry up, become pushy, demanding and display outward signs of the anger and irritation you feel inside. Doing so will surely make the situation worse and have no benefit to anyone, not even yourself. If you are stuck in traffic on your way to work; yelling at the person in the car in front of you will not speed up your arrival, and furthermore, you have taken your frustration out on someone who also has very little control over the situation. At that moment you have to decide what the desired outcome is. Do you want to arrive at work quickly or do you want to arrive safely? Would an impatient response make the situation better or worse?

Breathe And Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are patient with yourself, you make room for patience with others. When you feel impatience beginning to arise, take a deep breath in and count to ten, then breathe out slowly counting to ten. Allow yourself the room to breathe between tasks throughout the day and remember that everything does not have to be done right now or in quick succession. In a world of now, slowing down may be just what you need.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Kid Confidant - (When You Use Your Child As Your Therapist)

By: Bethany Latimer

Many times in our lives we are disappointed, or flat out failed, by the other adults we call our support system. We hope to get good advice or have their undivided attention when we come to them with a problem. Instead, they are preoccupied with their own problems, too busy scrolling through their phone or turning to you for advice without taking the time to listen when you start speaking. It is frustrating. We all need someone to talk to. In come the kids. They are pretty good listeners, often very empathetic (they feel bad for mommy or daddy), and let’s face it, they are often around. Hence, it becomes very easy to fall into a pattern of unburdening your problems on a child. We find ourselves complaining about other adults (often people your child knows and loves), we use them to lift our spirits when we are sad, we give them too many details about the horrible things that have happened to us.  In short, our worries become their worries. Why this is NOT okay:

-        Children have a child’s perspective, they often cannot see the bigger picture that the adult can, leaving them to feel hopeless and worried because they are incapable of doing anything about what you are telling them.

-        You are causing damage to their relationships. The people you complain about our often people they love and care about. When you berate and disrespect these people, you damage that person's character. The child builds resentment toward the adults in their life.

-        Finally, kids should have time to grow, explore and be kids. When you give them your adult problems, they miss out on just enjoying the little things that make life so much fun. They start to worry like you do, taking them out of the present moment.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Dealing with an Affair.

Recently in my couples therapy group a comment was made. A young woman said to the group, "I would prefer my husband have an affair, prostitutes are so trashy." Another woman countered, "not me, with a whore you know it's just for sex, that I can live with." The group engaged in a lively debate, which resulted in a lot of laughter, I am happy to say. So what do you think? Would you be more heartbroken to find that your husband has slept with a prostitute? or that your husband is having an affair? We would love to hear your thoughts...

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

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