Setting Healthy Boundaries

Author: Lynda Benigno

 Learning good boundaries is a life skill most of us were never taught. Boundaries are thought, and respect for another's well being and autonomy. The boundaries you choose to set are a reflection of your needs and establishes healthy rules for your relationships. Ultimately, boundaries demonstrate what we will accept or not accept in our relationships with others. Setting healthy boundaries is a way to practice self-love and protect your energy.

 Your boundaries can be physical, mental/ emotional, or material.  Physical boundaries can involve touching or physical space.  Violations of physical boundaries can include a person barging into your room without knocking, someone standing too close or touching someone without knowing if the other person is okay with it.

 Mental and emotional boundaries separate feelings and thoughts from one person to another.  Violations of mental and emotional boundaries can include giving unsolicited advice, telling someone how they should feel,  listening in on another's phone calls or, repeating confidential conversations to others.

 Material boundaries involve possessions, and violations can consist of taking something without permission or looking through someone's phone or personal files.

 Other boundary violations can include showing up to a gathering to which you were not invited or correcting children when their parents are present. Refusal to take no for an answer. Insisting grown children live according to your values and desires or sharing personal information without asking if the other person has the mental space to hear it.  
 
 Boundaries do not need to be the same for everyone. Your comfort level can vary depending on the situation and person. Imagine yourself and each person you know standing in a room. Each person has a small border fence around them.  The person to your left is someone you have known for years, and the relationship consists of mutual respect shown through active listening, self-awareness, and owning up to mistakes, consent, and communication. When you encounter this person, your fence door swings open with a welcome. The person on your right is someone you love very much, and for the most part, the relationship is on steady ground. However, every once in awhile, they have a terrible day. They come through the door and dump all of their problems into your lap with little consideration for how it may make you feel. When you encounter this person, your fence door opens cautiously. The person standing directly in front of you is someone you love, but you struggle to keep the relationship on good terms. This person gossips continuously and borrows things and does not return them and wants you to do things their way. When you share how you feel, they respond by minimizing the impact of their actions and words. They become condescending and abusive. When you encounter this person, your fence door does not open; in fact, you decide to put a lock on it.

 The key to setting healthy boundaries is identifying where in your life, you are feeling drained. Spend some time evaluating your relationships with others, personal or professional. Write down which interactions leave you feeling depleted.

 Next, identify what you need to not feel drained. This can mean spending only a limited amount of time with certain people, saying no to invites, or turning off your phone for a set amount of time each day.

 Put your boundaries into action by communicating with those around you in a firm yet gentle way. Start with " I feel______ when you _____. I would appreciate you considering this next time".

 If the other person violates the boundary again, you can remind them by verbally establishing your needs, followed by the consequences of another violation. The consequences laid out should depend on the circumstances and is non-negotiable. You must be prepared to follow through. If you fail to follow through, you end up demonstrating that your boundaries don't carry any meaning.

 It is also important to remember boundaries do not need to be set in stone. The boundaries you set can be re-evaluated and adjusted according to circumstances or changes in relationship status. Find what you are comfortable with and follow your gut instinct. Your body will tell you when something is not right. If you are always clenching your jaw after interacting with a particular person, you should probably be spending less time with them.

 Having a strong support system in place is essential, and I highly recommend seeing a therapist if you are struggling with the process. When setting boundaries, it is not uncommon to receive guilt trips or have others angry with you. Understand that this sort of reaction comes from fear and, sometimes, a side of manipulation.  It is not a sign of love, and you do not need to accept boundary violations as the norm. You can choose to accept it, change it, or leave it.

 As individuals with personal agency remember, you have the right to say No. You have the right to reject the unreasonable expectations of other people. You have the right to personal space. You have the right to protect your energy and to decide to whom you give your energy. You have the right to love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries.

 The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Choices for Strong Willed Children.

Author Beth Thyme

 This is one of those things that I would say to myself, “Wow, why didn’t I know this earlier!” Let me give you some background. I have 2 boys, age 4 and 6. Like me and my husband (imagine that) they are very strong willed little boys. They give new meaning to the word “assertive.” And overall, that is a good thing. I hope that they can keep that same strong spirit when they hit the teen and adult years. After all, I would like to hope the future holds them not getting walked on by others.

So, how, as a mother, do I get what I want and they also get what they want, without doing major battle? (There were many battles happening before I learned about this tool). I had been led to believe in the drill sergeant parenting style. I SAY, YOU DO! But for boys that are a lot like me, they believe the same I SAY, YOU DO MOMMY! This is where the POWER OF CHOICE works.

When you give children a choice, it allows them to keep their power. They get to choose, they feel in control. A feeling that everyone (young and old) tend to enjoy. When you as the adult choose the 2 choices, you get to be in control of the outcome. Let me give you an example.

You need to stop for lunch at a fast food restaurant. Your child has cup in hand and is headed to the drink station. He or she reaches for the most syrupy and caffeinated pop in the bunch. This is where you come in. You say “no, not that one.” You prepare for the battle. Instead try, “You can not have that one, it is not healthy.” “However, you can have a choice between the lemonade and water.” Sounds like it won’t work, right? I encourage you try it. Children, once presented with 2 choices, get exited that they get to choose and will focus on that instead.

The key is that you lay out TWO CHOICES ONLY, THAT YOU AS A PARENT CAN LIVE WITH EITHER ONE THE CHILD CHOOSES. I often see adults allowing children to make their own choices and then berating the child for picking the “wrong” thing. YOU TAKE CONTROL of that part. YOU ARE THE ADULT and you have the knowledge about what the better choices are. YOU WIN, THE CHILD WINS, EVERY TIME!

 The beauty of this is that children grow up to believe that they can make good choices. This is especially when they hit the teen years and you are not there to supervise those choices. That choice one day may be, get in the car with friend who is going to drive drunk or call mom and have her pick me up. Yes, it could be life of death for your child to learn how to make the right choice.

Finally, don’t forget to praise your child for making those good choices. Something like, “I knew you would make such a great choice,” is a great one. Happy parenting!

The opinions in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099

The Science of Cursing

Author: Lynda Benigno

Profanity is looked upon by a vast majority of the population as vulgar; the paradox is profanity is regularly used, and those four-letter words only pack power because we have made them powerful through labeling.

A study in 2009 showed multiple benefits of swearing. Participants of the study were divided up with one group receiving a list of neutral words and the other receiving a list of profane words. Participants submerged their hands in ice water for as long as they could while repeating a word from their list. Those who used swear words kept their hands in the ice water 50% longer than those who used neutral words. The study showed swearing increases pain tolerance, and participants who used swear words reported lower pain levels. Swearing stimulates the sympathetic nervous system, boosting adrenaline and heart rate, causing a stress-induced analgesia response.

There is a myth that those who use profanity lack sufficient vocabulary or are not intelligent, but the opposite appears to be true. Those who are fluent in language have an uptick in the use of profanity. A 2017 study found those who swore were perceived as more honest by onlookers. It is thought truth-tellers get to the point quickly and are not using a filter when speaking, and they do not require the extra time or brainpower to lie. Swearing is also an effective means to convey the emotions behind what you are communicating. Swearing has a few health benefits, the use of profanity elevates endorphins and increases circulation in the body, creating a sense of calm.

Although our vocabulary is expected to be positive and sanitized, using a four-letter word to vocalize whatever it is you are feeling can be just what you need.

The opinions in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099

Everyone Has A Different Way Of Processing Grief And Loss.

Author: Lynda Benigno

The word grief is used to describe the profound pain that occurs after a loss. Grief has no time limit, is deeply personal, and can feel overwhelming. The death of a loved one, divorce, moving, job loss, or diagnosis of an illness can bring about grief. Grief is a pain that reminds us of what we love and value the most.

Everyone has a different way of processing loss. We humans are resilient creatures. Studies show how a person navigates everyday stress, and difficult emotions are the best predictor of how they will manage their grief. Some people may want to share and talk about their feelings, while others may prefer solitude. A person can waver between thoughts that are soothing to guilt-ridden. The stress of our emotions affects our physical body. Physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, tension, or absent-mindedness may appear. Some people have described feeling as if they are in a dream-like state, but they manage to function normally. Others feel restless or fearful. Crying, sighing, or anger is healthy and signals the physical release of stress in the body. Unresolved grief due to denial or difficulty coping can bring about physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, disrupted sleep, headaches, digestive changes, the use of alcohol or drugs, depression, and feeling helpless.

Some people grieve quickly, while others struggle. Having a support network is vital in the grieving process. Those who are empathetic and allow you the space to express your emotions ensure you don't become isolated, and talking helps to move the process along. Eat well, get enough sleep, and try to stick to your regular daily routine. Remember, you are adjusting to a new reality, and what you are feeling is okay.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Angry Is Okay? – The Myths and Truths About Anger.

There’s a lot to be angry about these days – politics on Facebook, traffic jams, heated family gatherings,

dropping your free taco and it shattering to bits on the rocky ground and never to be eaten. The list is

endless. What do you do with your anger? How does it come out? Or does it come out at all? What’s

healthy and not healthy in all of this? Below are some myths – and the correlated truths – about seeing

red.

MYTH: Being angry is wrong.

Truth: Anger is an emotion just like anything else. It’s okay to experience emotions, even ones that

might seem scary, like anger. What’s most important with anger is how it’s expressed and processed.

Action: Take notice of what makes you angry and how you react to it.

MYTH: The best way to “let out” anger is by being physical – hitting or smashing something or even

letting out a good scream.

Truth: Processing your anger doesn’t have to be physical, and sometimes it’s even unhelpful. The

physical part helps to release that immediate adrenaline rush, sure, but it doesn’t get to the meat of the

anger and can even potentially build a pattern of immediately reacting every single time you get angry.

Action: Brainstorm ways you can process anger without getting physical – can you talk to someone?

Write it out? Meditate?

MYTH: When I get angry, I’m mad at what just happened and that’s it.

Truth: Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it’s your body’s knee-jerk reaction to something

deeper, like feelings of fear or pain or vulnerability. Even being angry at something like being stuck in

traffic has an underlying emotion. Maybe there’s fear that you won’t make it home in time for

something important or you’re feeling raw after a rough day at work and just want something

comforting at home.

Action: The next time you get angry, take a minute to go through your day or remember what you were

just thinking about. This will give you some insight into where your anger might be coming from.

MYTH: Being angry isn’t helpful and solves nothing.

Truth: Because anger is a secondary emotion, it also acts as a protective factor. Take, for example, this

analogy of a snake:

Once upon a time, there was a snake in a deli mart parking lot. Every evening, a group of

kids would hang out in the lot and antagonize the snake. It started out as making fun of

its stripes and nudging its tail, but soon the kids started throwing rocks at the snake and

poking it with sticks. The deli owner began hearing reports of kids being bitten by the

Angry Is Okay – The Myths and Truths About Anger

snake, and decided to try and reason with it. He asked the snake if it was biting people,

and when the snake said yes, the deli owner asked it to not bite the kids anymore. Being

a reasonable snake, it agreed. The deli owner didn’t hear anything about snake bites for

the next week. One evening, though, he saw the snake lying still on the ground. It

looked cut and bruised. The deli owner took the snake to the vet and asked why it didn’t

protect itself. The snake’s response? You asked me not to bite the kids.

The snake’s natural reaction to being hurt was to react in anger and bite the kids. Once it could no

longer bite, but also had no other way of protecting itself, it got badly hurt. Anger can protect you from

hurt and act as a signal that something within you is under attack. For example, you and a couple other

friends are invited to a party, and when you get there, you find out everyone else has been there for

hours without you, and you get angry. You were left out, ostracized. If you react out of anger, you don’t

have to feel that pain of vulnerability.

Action: Think about the last time you lashed out in anger – what sort of hurt or pain do you think was

being protected in that situation? What other ways could you have reacted?

MYTH: Anger just happens and there’s no way of telling it’s coming until you snap.

Truth: Your body gives you warning signs to tell you that you’re getting angry. Maybe your heart rate

increases, or your fists start to clench, or your face gets hot. By training yourself to pay attention to

these cues, you can pause and process what’s making you feel angry before you reach your boiling

point.

Action: The next time you feel just a little frustrated, freeze and see what your body is doing. Do you

notice tension in your face? A rapid heartbeat? Something else entirely? These could be your warning

signs, ones you’ll want to start paying attention to.

Whether it’s traffic or a taco, you can practice these truths every day to get a better understanding of

anger’s role in your life and how you can process it in a healthy way.nded to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental illness. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Is Love a Battlefield? Broadening Our Lens of Abuse in Intimate Relationships.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Your home is supposed to be a place of safety, where you can unwind from the day's stresses and find support and love from your partner or family members. However, for more than 10 million men and women in the US, home is a battlefield. The Department of Justice defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by an individual to gain or maintain control over another. Domestic violence takes many forms and is not limited to physical abuse. Emotional abuse, economic, sexual, psychological, the use of threats, stalking, and cyberstalking are also forms of domestic violence.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. There is no age group, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or education level that is immune. Victims can be an intimate partner or dating, a spouse, child, family member, or cohabitant.

Domestic Violence Statistics

·    1 in 4 women have experienced domestic violence

·    1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence

·    2 in 5 gay or bisexual men have experienced domestic violence

·    63% of homeless women have experienced domestic violence

·    Half of all women and men in the US will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner

·    It is estimated between 3 and 5 million children witness domestic violence each year

·    50% of batters who abuse their partner also abuse their children

·    A male child who witnesses domestic violence is 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate domestic violence as an adult

·    1 out of every 3 people who are injured due to domestic violence seek medical care for their injuries

·    The majority of domestic violence incidents are never reported. On average, a victim of domestic violence will experience 3-4 incidents of violence before calling the police.

Types of Domestic Violence

Physical

·    Hitting, slapping, punching, hair pulling, choking, shoving, etc.

·    Prevents you from calling the police or from obtaining medical treatment for your injuries

·    Will not let you eat or limits your food

·    Will not let you sleep or limits the amount of time you sleep

·    Driving recklessly when you are in the car or abandons you in an unfamiliar place

Sexual

·    You are coerced into sexual contact or sexual acts, that you are not comfortable performing

·    Rape

·    Demanding sex when you are tired or sick

·    In rare cases, a perpetrator may purposely transmit an STD onto their partner

* Being in a relationship with someone or being married does not mean that you owe your partner physical intimacy.

Economic

·    You have zero control over money or budgeting

·    Partner withholds access to funds

·    Partner prevents you from going to work

·    Partner refuses to work in order to support dependents

*Economic abuse serves to keep the victim completely reliant on the perpetrator, so they do not have the financial resources to leave the relationship.

Psychological and Emotional

·    Threats to hurt you, themselves, your children, family members, friends, or pets.

·    Name-calling, insults, constant criticism and shaming

·    Your partner tells you that you are to blame for the abuse because you said or did something he/she did not like

·    Punching walls, throwing objects, or damaging personal property

·    Where you go, who you call and who you spend time with is monitored

·    Your partner tries to control what clothing you wear and/or how much makeup you wear

·    Your partner has injured your relationships with others through gossip or false accusations

·    Your partner has interfered with your ability to have a relationship with your children or parent them effectively

Stalking * Important Note: Most stalking behaviors occur when the victim is getting ready to leave the relationship or has just left. This period is the most dangerous for a domestic violence victim.

·    You receive constants phone calls or texts from your partner when you are not physically together. * Always wanting to be in contact with each other during the beginning of a relationship is normal. However, if this continues after the honeymoon phase, and if it interferes with your ability to live your own life separate from your partner, it is a form of stalking. The cute messages turn to criticisms or demands. Constant contact allows your partner to track where you are, what you are doing, and ensures you have no time for anything outside of what he/she wants.

·    Follows you when you leave the house, work or while running errands

·    Shows up at your home or place of employment

·    Sends you unwanted gifts

·    Collects information about you and your activities from mutual friends

·    Threatens to harm you, your children or family members

·    Calls you repeatedly

·    Sends you notes or letters through the mail or leaves them at your home or in your car.

Cyberstalking, Harassment, and Abuse

·    Sends you repeated emails that cause distress

·    Makes comments or posts about you on social media sites that involve shaming, name-calling, or derogatory language meant to humiliate you.

Domestic violence often, but not always, follows a pattern.

·    Tension: You feel like you are walking on eggshells and are trying to keep your partner calm. Your partner starts to get angry.

·    Incident: An abusive event occurs; the incident can be physical, psychological, sexual, financial, etc.

·    Honeymoon Phase: The abuser apologizes and expresses shame, places blame and minimizes, makes promises, brings gifts, pretends it never happened.

·    Calm

This cycle repeats itself, going around in a predictable circle creating a trauma bond.

Trauma Bonding

Dopamine is a pleasure hormone. During the tension phase of abuse, the victim has raised cortisol levels and fears being hurt or abandoned. The abuse occurs. After the abusive incident, the abuser apologizes and is affectionate. The victim experiences a rush of dopamine, making them feel secure and calm. The tension phase will return, and the cycle continues. What is occurring is a biological attachment that is formed with inconsistent reinforcement. Like an addiction, much is promised, there are fleeting moments of bliss, and then it sucks away your soul. While trauma bonding makes it easier for the victim to survive inside the relationship, it also zaps the victims' ability to evaluate danger and make sound decisions. The victim sees no way out of the relationship. Trauma bonds create a hormonal rollercoaster that puts a tremendous amount of stress on the body. The high-stress levels can cause chest pains, acne, arthritic type pains, migraines, and a lowered immune system.

Long Term Effects of Domestic Violence on Victims

·    Generalized chronic pain or pain and scars from physical abuse

·    Gastrointestinal disturbances

·    Insomnia

·    PTSD, Depression or Anxiety

·    Increased risk of hypertension

·    Eating disorders

·    Job loss due to time away to recover from injuries or see physicians

·    A feeling of shame

·    Low self-esteem

·    Isolation

·    Financial Hardships

Long Term Effects on Child Witnesses

·    Guilt

·    Anger

·    Shame

·    Depression

·    Sadness

·    Hyer-Vigilance

·    Stomachaches

·    Headaches

·    Inability to concentrate

·    PTSD, Depression, or Anxiety

·    At an increased risk of drug or alcohol abuse and juvenile delinquency.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental illness. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099

Listen To Your Inner Dialogue When Making Decisions.

Author: Lynda Benigno

 The average adult makes 35,000 decisions each day. From the moment you get up in the morning, you make strategic choices, each with its own set of consequences. Some decisions are minute and have minimal impact on your life. When you wake, do you want to have your coffee first or take a shower? Other choices, the significant and life-altering, require careful thought and consideration. How you come to a decision is primarily based on your set of values. Some of these values were taught in childhood, while others were learned through observing the outside world. You also take into account your own set of preferences, beliefs, and desired outcome. 

 Everyone makes the wrong decision now and then. Some people make bad decisions and decide to dwell in them; this way, they don't have to take responsibility and can play the victim. They give their power away and go on to make more bad decisions. Others choose to take ownership of their life and choices, moving ahead to correct their mistakes and learn from their experiences. When you learn from making the wrong choices, you will make better choices in the future. How are you to know if you are making the right call? Ask yourself one question. Am I making my decision based on fear or growth? 

 Fear certainly has its place. It is a basic survival instinct that guides our fight or flight responses. However, fear can also prevent us from making positive changes that are necessary for growth. Fear-based decisions are about avoidance of emotional pain, cause stagnation, and steer us away from our goals. Growth based decisions come from a place of self-love as well as love for others. Growth equals improvement and gives us what we want out of life. The following list can help you discern how you are making your decisions.

• Fear: There are too many unknowns, and unknowns are scary. Not knowing how things may change or worrying about how others will react makes you feel out of control. You decide its best to stick with what is predictable.

• Growth: Changes always occur with unknowns, and those unknowns are not inherently negative or harmful to your well being.

• Fear: What if I am judged, shamed, or rejected? This feeling comes from a place of insecurity, leading you to avoid making waves or others uncomfortable. If you are a people pleaser, this fear is heavy and a driving force behind your choices.

• Growth: I have carefully considered the impact of my choices on others. I do not need permission or the understanding of others to do what is right for me. I am honoring myself by meeting my goals. This decision may make others uncomfortable, and I am okay with that. It is not my job to meet the expectations others have set for me.

• Fear: What if I fail? If I don't try, I can not fail. There is nothing better on the horizon, anyways. The fear of failure and the fear of scarcity will always leave you in a position of settling for less than you deserve.

• Growth: I can try, and if it does not work out, I will have learned something valuable. If it works out, I will have accomplished something that will make me proud. The world has so much to offer, and I am prepared to work hard and receive the blessings that come my way.

• Fear: My intuition must be off, besides ( fill in the blank). You don't want to make a decision based on emotions alone, so you are overly logical and ignore what your gut is telling you. Behind all of your excuses for rationalizing your choice, you have the feeling of " this is not right".

• Growth: These are the facts about each choice I have, and these are the emotions that accompany these facts. My gut feeling is that choice X is right because it feels right and aligns with the stated facts and my goals.

 When you are trying to make a decision to pay close attention to your inner dialogue, identify where in the process, you are allowing fear to influence your choice. Name the fear and let it go. Make a conscious choice to replace the fear narrative with one that is logical, does not limit you, and feels right. You must be brutally honest with yourself. Doing so may make you feel uncomfortable, and some things are difficult to accept. However, something seemingly magical happens when you choose to do so. You begin to let go of what is not serving you, and you make room for new and better experiences. You make fewer mistakes, and you make positive changes that add to your sense of well being and happiness. You find yourself in a space where you can be strategic and logical while honoring your feelings and needs. You feel more confident and can make space for others to do the same. You retain the power of your own life story, the messy and the beautiful. 

 The opinions in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Coping with Feelings: It is not always wise to forgive and forget.

Author: Lynda Benigno

 There are dozens of quotes from philosophers and religious clergy espousing the tenents of forgiveness.  While the idea of forgiveness is noble, in situations in which deep hurt or trauma has occurred, forgiveness may be the exact opposite of what a person needs. For them to forgive is to ignore the fundamental emotional and mental process that needs to occur. The definition of forgiveness is to grant pardon to a person for an offense, to absolve and cease to feel resentment. The real nuance of forgiveness places the focus on the other person, to relieve them of any wrongdoing. The expectation is that any negative emotion towards the other person ceases to exist.

 I am saying bull to the whole facade. Forgiveness is not needed to move on, to heal, or be healthy. Emotions are not always logical; however, ignoring your feelings will not work. Our emotions carry essential messages; anger, hurt, and sadness tell us to be careful and to take care of ourselves. Forgiveness can not be forced. Refusing to forgive does not make you a bad person, a negative person, or unenlightened. You are entitled to your feelings, to honor them and listen to what they are telling you because they are there for a reason.

 There are many instances in which forgiving can do more harm than good. We live in a time when society tells us that the dark emotions we have are "bad". Instead of allowing ourselves to feel them, we should stuff them down. Forgiveness is touted as a cure-all for being hurt by another person. Prescribing forgiveness to someone after severe betrayal, abuse, or trauma only serves to heap guilt on top of the anger and hurt the victim is already feeling. You are telling them that they are to ignore their own needs to cater to the other persons emotional well being. There have been cases in which family members will turn their backs on the victim of abuse because they won't let go, forgive, and go with the program.  Someone who has been deeply hurt may tell others they have forgiven to relieve the pressure and constant clamoring for them to do so. The situation then becomes more stressful because they must live a lie by pretending everything is okay. Doing this can lead to depression and isolation.  I implore anyone who gets told that their reaction to feeling hurt is the problem, not the offense itself, to RUN! It is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

 True forgiveness is a process with no time limit. The offender must be held accountable for their actions and understand the damage they have done. Discussions need to take place in which full responsibility is taken, and genuine guilt and remorse are displayed. A sincere apology absent of excuses is required. The person on the receiving end needs to be given the time and space that they need to work through their emotions.

 Moreover, to forgive before any accountability prevents the offender from learning from their mistake. Some betrayals are so egregious that forgiveness is tantamount to handing the other person a bullet so they can take another shot. It is up to you to decide what relationships are worth repairing and which ones are not.

 Healing should always be your goal. It is okay to feel anger.  It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel betrayed. Use the emotions you have to build and reinforce boundaries that will protect you from the other person if the situation calls for it. Spend time talking to those who love you and care about your well being. These people will not pressure you to be anywhere emotionally  except where you are and can be a tremendous source of support. Pay close attention to your feelings and manage them to the best of your ability. Talk therapy can help sort out confusing emotions and give you the tools to manage your feelings when they arise. Take care of yourself by eating well and getting enough exercise and sleep.  Take a stand for your own needs and recognize that healing does not require forgiveness. Healing requires acknowledging your emotions and working through them to find peace within yourself. If you are in a situation where forgiveness comes easy, that is wonderful. If not, let yourself off the hook. To thy own self be true.

 The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Dealing with Anxiety ? You're not Alone.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Imagine you are about to give a speech to a large crowd of your peers. As your turn to speak draws near you look down at your notes; you notice your palms are clammy, your stomach hurts, you have dry mouth, and you feel like you can't breathe. When you take the stage, your hands shake, your voice is quiet and trembles as you glance at your notes. You struggle to get the words out. A few days later, after a particularly stressful day at work, you lie in bed ruminating over the day's events. You question whether tomorrow is going to be just as stressful. You go over all of the possible scenarios, every single thing that could go wrong. How will you handle it? You look at the clock; it's now midnight, you have lost 2 hours of sleep. You feel short of breath, the room feels warm, and you sit up trying to take a deep breath. This is life with an anxiety disorder.

Anxiety disorders are the most commonly diagnosed psychiatric disorder, with over 3 million people affected a year. Generalized anxiety and panic disorders are the most prevalent and seen in all age ranges and socio-economic backgrounds. The difference between generalized anxiety and panic disorder are the intensity and duration of the person's symptoms.

Risk Factors Include:

·    Family History

·    Significant life changes such as divorce, death of a close family member or job loss

·    History of physical, emotional or sexual abuse

·    Chemical or hormonal imbalance in the brain

·    Medical conditions such as heart disease, asthma, drug abuse or withdraw

·    Long term stress due to complicated relationships or work environment, financial difficulties or illness

*Stress that leads to skipping meals, consumption of alcohol and not getting enough sleep can worsen or trigger anxiety.

General anxiety builds slowly and relates to a particular event or situation. If you have anxiety, you may worry excessively and feel a great deal of fear, trying to anticipate disaster or worst-case scenarios related to future events. The worries may include health of yourself or others, money, family, work, or school. Constantly worrying makes it challenging to concentrate and setting the worry aside feels impossible. You may experience stomach ache, nausea, and changes in breathing. By the end of the day, you feel drained and tired, but your mind continues to go over the day's events and possible events of the next day.

Panic attacks involve severe symptoms that are disruptive to daily life. Panic attacks come on suddenly with little warning. The fear and anxiety the person feels is out of proportion to the actual event. Accelerated heart rate, shaking, shortness of breath, chest pain, feeling lightheaded or faint and sweating occurs. A panic attack can last several minutes, and symptoms usually appear in late teen or early adulthood. Something as benign as standing in the grocery store checkout line can bring on a panic attack that leaves you baffled as to why it occurred in the first place.

A therapist is best able to determine the kind of anxiety disorder you are suffering from and the course of treatment that will fit your needs. The most common and effective treatment is Psychotherapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will teach you new ways of behaving, thinking, and reacting to the feelings that come with anxiety or panic. Medications such as SSRI'S can be helpful for some patients. SSRI'S are usually prescribed for depression and should not be the first line of defense. If prescribed, the medication can take several weeks to start working and comes with side effects, so it is best to start with a moderate dose and gradually increase if needed.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Gun Violence in America: How to Cope With The Insanity.

Author: Lynda Benigno

America; we have a problem, a sickening, emotionally exhausting, gun problem. When I try to contemplate the loss of life, physical injuries, trauma, and grief, my head spins. Seeing hundreds of " thoughts and prayers" posts on social media makes me nauseous. I imagine many others feel the same as I do. We as a country are perfectly comfortable with a level of violence that seriously injures or snuffs out lives in one foul swoop. Where has our humanity gone?

The memory of coming home from school on April 20, 1999; seeing kids my age, terrified and crying outside their school, is still fresh in my mind. At the time, it did not occur to me that this event would become commonplace. More than ten years later, gun violence touched my family, as did the realization that no one is immune to becoming a statistic. This year marked the 20th anniversary of Columbine, and I have developed a mental list of places I associate with mass death. Grocery stores/shopping malls, bars, clubs, concerts, movie theaters, churches, and office buildings. Perhaps it's my way of coping with the endless stream of human slaughter and suffering that lays itself bare on the television screen and in my news feed. How long before there are memorials on every street corner in our country? Why are we cowering in the face of the disintegration of basic human decency?

Statistics on gun violence in America are grim.

·    The U.S has had 249 mass shootings in 2019.

·    The U.S has six times the gun homicide rate as Canada, and the gun homicide rate in the U.S. is 25 times that of other high-income countries.

·    Firearms are the second leading cause of death in American children and teens and the first leading cause of death for African American children.

·    4.5 million American women have been threatened with a firearm by an intimate partner.

·    52 American women are shot and killed by an intimate partner each month in the U.S.

·    Gun homicide rates are higher in racially segregated neighborhoods with high poverty rates.

·    58% of American adults or someone they care for has experienced gun violence.

·    Three million American children witness gun violence a year.

We can debate the broadly defined term, mass shooting, until we are all blue in the face. I have no interest. I have no interest in talking about good guys with guns, second amendment rights, or extra security measures in buildings or at outdoor events. I will say this. I believe having a president who incites violence with racist and sexist rhetoric is not helping. Easy access to firearms is a problem. The unwillingness of Congress to ban the sale of assault weapons, the most favored weapon of mass shooters, is a problem. Entitled, misogynistic, racist white males are a problem ( and the one common thread in all mass shootings). Access to mental health services is a problem. However, it should be noted that statistically, those with mental illness are more likely to be a target of gun violence than a perpetrator. Calling shooters crazy when the reality is they are methodical is a problem. Poverty, substance abuse, and domestic violence are a problem as they are contributing factors. The fact that shootings are inevitable, and the loss of life is acceptable is a problem.

Do I have any easy answers for stopping the current insanity? No. Do I hope you will talk about it, call your congressional leaders, and organize discussions in your community? Yes.

Whether you are a victim of gun violence, a witness, or just emotionally drained from the imagery and talking heads on the news, I have a few suggestions to help you cope.

1.   Practice Self Care- Eat healthily, sleep, exercise, and do your best to maintain a routine. It may seem selfish to think about yourself; however, you can not pour from an empty cup.

2.   Recognize when you or those around you need support- There is no shame in getting help. If you notice changes in eating habits, sleep patterns, mood swings, or low energy levels, seek advice from a therapist. If you see these changes in someone you love, do your best to be supportive and suggest therapy. After a traumatic event, having someone to talk to who is understanding will make all the difference.

3.   Limit Media Exposure- The medias portrayal of mass shootings have been shown to cause acute stress and trigger PTSD. While it is essential to stay informed, the constant barrage mass death is not good for anyone. Turn off the tv and your phone whenever possible.

4.   Check-in with your kids- For children directly impacted by gun violence, increased anxiety, fear, depression, and difficulty expressing their emotions may occur. Witnessing news reports on mass shootings will challenge your children's sense of safety. Have a conversation with them by letting them openly express their fears, concerns, and questions without injecting your own two sense. Stay calm and validate their feelings by telling them what they are feeling is normal and rational. Limit their exposure to the 24-hour news cycle as much as possible.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your health care provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

A Right to a Healthy Relationship Starts with Healthy Choices.

Author: Lynda Benigno

In our life, no area seems more complicated than our relationship with others. Relationships of all kinds require effort. We try to adapt to others faults, moods, and preferences, and hopefully, others do the same. Healthy relationships comprise of mutual respect, empathy, compassion, and a general interest in the well being, growth and happiness of the other person. No matter your relationship to another person; parent to child, spouse to spouse or friendship, you should feel safe, loved, and accepted for who you are. In healthy relationships, disagreements and minor power struggles occur, with both parties willing and able to resolve them with open communication and compromise.

Toxic relationships are harmful to our well being, contributing to stress, anxiety, depression, and medical problems such as heart disease. A relationship that has inequality, selfishness, dominance, control, and destructive behavior patterns make you feel emotionally and mentally drained. You begin to avoid the other person or keep your time with them short. A toxic relationship may also consist of physical violence or substance abuse, and in this case, intervention is required, get help immediately.

It can be challenging to tell if a relationship is toxic because no relationship is perfect all of the time. Answering these questions can help you figure out if a relationship is toxic.

1. Does the other person insist on having things their way with little consideration of your feelings or needs?

2. When you spend time with the other person, do you feel drained instead of energized?

3. Do you trust the other person?

4. Is the other person always angry or hostile?

5. Does the other person always have unfolding drama or problems that they want you to engage in or help fix?

6. Does the other person always judge or criticize you?

7. Does the other person support your emotional and physical well being?

8. Do you change your opinions or needs based on what the other person wants to keep the peace?

9. Do you feel uncomfortable around the other person?

10. Are you unable to grow and learn in the presence of the other person?

11. Does being around the other person bring out the worst in you?

12. Do you find yourself going along with ideas or actions that are contrary to your ethical code of conduct?

13. Does the other person use guilt as a weapon such as appearing to support a decision and then remind you of how the decision inconvenienced them?

14. Does the other person have a short fuse and you avoid doing or saying anything that might set them off?

15. Does the other person insult you and then smile and say its a joke?

We humans have a fundamental need to connect and be close to each other. Having positive relationships is vital for our well being. If you recognize these traits in any of your relationships, you owe it to yourself to address them with the other person. If you are both looking for a way to improve your relationship, therapy can be an excellent first step. If the other party is not interested in discussing and changing the relationship dynamics, then separation from this person may be your only option. Continuing to expose yourself to an unhealthy relationship will cost you your mental and physical health and potentially breed ongoing conflict.

*Important Note: If you are in a relationship where there is physical violence and or substance abuse, only confront the other person if and when it is safe to do so. Seek out professional help from someone who has experience with domestic violence and or substance abuse. Confronting the other person alone may put your safety at risk. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-3224.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are suffering, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Netflix and Chill, because it's self care too. -Stepping Stone Community Services

Author: Lynda Benigno

The WHO defines self-care as " what people do for themselves to establish and maintain health and prevent and deal with illness". Self-care is finding a balance between daily life demands and your own needs to maintain overall well being. Self - care involves taking into account your psychological; physical, emotional, spiritual, and professional needs. Most days, you wake up with a full battery, as you complete tasks and fulfill obligations throughout the day, your battery slowly drains. By the end of the day, your battery is on empty. Practicing self- care is like plugging yourself into a charger. Engaging in self-care allows you to forge a healthy relationship with yourself as well as others. When you are in tune with your own needs and can meet those needs, you open up space within yourself to serve others without draining your battery.

Often an individual will reach a breaking point before engaging in self-care practices. What self - care looks like varies, each person has their individual needs and what works for one person may not work for another. Self-care can be challenging for individuals who suffer from depression or have experienced trauma; in this case, a therapist can help. Making self-care a part of your daily routine will reduce stress and anxiety levels, increase your self-esteem, and produce positive feelings.

Below you will find the five different categories of self - care and a few examples to help you get started. You can incorporate one or two activities into your daily routine and see what works for you.

Psychological Self-Care:

* Engage in self-reflection.

*Say "no" to activities that do not bring you joy.

*Acknowledge your feelings throughout the day.

*Find a therapist to help you work through painful emotions or trauma and improve coping and communication skills.

Physical Self-Care

*Eat healthy foods.

*Get regular exercise.

*Wear comfortable clothes.

*Get regular check-ups and take all medications as prescribed.

*Get plenty of sleep.

*Get a massage or have a spa day.

Emotional Self-Care

*Recognize and feel your emotions as they are without judgment.

*Compliment yourself once a day.

*Write in a journal.

*Set appropriate boundaries with others especially those who are not supportive or leave you feeling drained or depressed.

*Spend time with people you love.

*Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

*Forgive others for their mistakes ( you will feel much lighter ).

*Watch a funny movie or comedy special on Netflix/ Binge-watch your favorite show.

*Establish a no-contact hour each day. Each day for one hour your phone is turned off, you unplug from social media and the never-ending stream of emails. Use this time for reflection or doing something you love.

Spiritual Self-Care

No matter what religion or spiritual practice you observe, you able to get to know your soul/higher self.

*Meditation alone, with a partner or meditation circle.

*Attend church.

*Spend time with nature, this can be in your backyard with a cup of coffee or at a park.

Professional Self- Care

*Balance workload with breaks.

*Communicate with coworkers in a clear manner.

*Establish healthy boundaries by leaving work at work.

*If something about your workplace is bothering you, bring the subject up with a supervisor. Be specific about the problem and open to solutions.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) -Stepping Stone Community Services

Author: Lynda Benigno

According to the American Psychological Association, one in eleven will suffer from PTSD in their lifetime. During the Civil War and again during World War 1 the term " shell shock" was used to describe PTSD. In 1980 PTSD was officially recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. Post traumatic Stress Disorder is caused by a life-threatening traumatic event with the most common example being war. Other traumatic incidents such as sexual assault, car accidents, shootings, natural disasters, and domestic violence have the potential to cause PTSD.

Three brain regions play a role in PTSD. The amygdala evaluates stress. Smells, sights, and sounds of memories are stored in this region, and when a similar situation arises, the amygdala sends a signal to engage in fight or flight. The hippo campus is responsible for storing and retrieving memories. The prefrontal cortex, located behind the forehead, is responsible for rational thought, making decisions, and emotional response.

When a life-threatening trauma occurs, your brain can get stuck in danger mode. The hippo campus works hard to calm the amygdala, if the hippo campus is unsuccessful, it results in damage. The amygdala becomes overactive and lessens the brains' ability to produce calming thoughts. The prefrontal cortex becomes under active, interrupting rational thought, and proper emotional response. The nerve circuits that connect these three areas of the brain cease to operate correctly, creating a perfect storm.

Not everyone experiences symptoms of PTSD immediately following a life-threatening trauma. Sometimes symptoms don't appear for months or years. PTSD causes the person to re-experience the trauma over and over again. This may present as nightmares, flashbacks, or reoccurring thoughts about the trauma as well as agitation, fear, severe anxiety, guilt, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, social isolation,and insomnia. Chronic pain that is not the result of physical injury during the trauma is caused by the body being under a constant state of stress and hyper vigilance. Hyper vigilance causes a person to continually scan his or her environment for potential threats and remain on high alert at all times. Conversations that have anything to do with the trauma may be refused. People, places, or things that are associated with the trauma may also be avoided.

Psychotherapy is the most effective treatment for PTSD. There are many avenues of psychotherapy that can be used to lessen symptoms and eventually heal from the trauma that was experienced. Cognitive restructuring can help a PTSD sufferer get a realistic perspective on the traumatic event leading to a reduction in shame or guilt. Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on facing the traumatic event head-on by identifying, understanding, and changing patterns of behaviors, feelings, and thoughts to improve functioning. CBT is done in a controlled and safe manner so that the patient can confront rather than avoid the trauma. Stress management, as well as healthy coping mechanisms, are taught, so the patient has a plan in place for potential crisis and triggers. CBT can help the sufferer gain a full understanding of their trauma and add a sense of control. SSRI'S can be prescribed to relieve depressive symptoms and lift mood but should be used in conjunction with psychotherapy. Support groups can help reduce the feelings of loneliness, offer emotional support, and can be a great place to get practical advice from others who are also moving forward with their healing.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

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Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience.

Author: Lynda Benigno

We have all heard the saying "Patience is a virtue". We live in a world of instant everything, and so we have come to expect immediate gratification. When we find ourselves in a situation that isn't going according to plan or what we want is not provided right away, we tend to feel a flood of emotions. Impatience increases adrenaline, cortisol, and blood pressure that eventually leads to heart disease. You are also more likely to make rash decisions or damage relationships. On the flip side, fostering patience can lead to improved relations, communication, decision making and less stress that affects the mind and body. Patience is a skill that we can learn and with practice becomes a way of being.

Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience

Certain situations may arise throughout your day that trigger impatience. Perhaps you are waiting in a long line at the grocery store while on your lunch break or with your kids. You begin to feel angry or irritated. You want to tell the cashier to hurry up, you are on a time crunch, or the kids are having a meltdown. You can't understand why it's taking so long to check out. Making a list of these moments allows you to become conscious of the scenarios in which impatience occurs, so you are better prepared to use healthy coping strategies.

Understand The Feelings That Occur When Impatience Arises

We want to feel comfortable at all times. When impatience appears, it can feel like intolerable emotional pain. When we understand that uncomfortable is different from intolerable, we can better manage our response. Recognizing the feelings that occur is a response to our lack of control over the situation and is not as big as we make it in our heads helps to lessen the impact of the inconvenience you are experiencing.

Work On The Narrative In Your Head

The thoughts you have and the way you talk to yourself has a significant impact on your response to any given situation. If you are standing in a long line, you might think " I can't stand waiting, I have so much to do" or " Why is this line so slow". Perhaps you begin to think about other times you were in a long line and how you felt at that moment. You start to compare that moment with the present moment and feel your emotions heighten. When this thought process begins to occur, slow yourself down. Take a deep breath and acknowledge the thoughts you just had. Remind yourself that you are disappointed in the situation, and it is making you uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable is tolerable. The situation is temporary and in the grand scheme of things is not that big of a deal.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening requires patience. When we actively listen to another person, they feel heard, and our responses are better thought out. When someone is speaking, we tend to prepare our response while they are still talking instead of soaking in everything being said. You can practice active listening by quieting your thoughts and solely concentrating on what you are hearing. When the other person is finished talking, take a moment to think out your response. The conversation slows down, communication improves, and both people feel understood and heard.

Look At The Big Picture

Problem-solving becomes easier and less stressful if you look at it from different angles. Impatience causes us to make quick and sometimes irrational decisions. When you take the time to slow down, explore all of your options and the different outcomes associated with each, you are more likely to make an educated and rational choice. Even if a decision needs to be made quickly, taking a moment to think of the consequences as opposed to jumping to the first thought in your mind is always a better choice.

Desired Outcome and Looking from Another Perspective

We all have the ability to help or hurt in any given situation. When you become impatient, you may lash out. You may shout at the cashier to hurry up, become pushy, demanding and display outward signs of the anger and irritation you feel inside. Doing so will surely make the situation worse and have no benefit to anyone, not even yourself. If you are stuck in traffic on your way to work; yelling at the person in the car in front of you will not speed up your arrival, and furthermore, you have taken your frustration out on someone who also has very little control over the situation. At that moment you have to decide what the desired outcome is. Do you want to arrive at work quickly or do you want to arrive safely? Would an impatient response make the situation better or worse?

Breathe And Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are patient with yourself, you make room for patience with others. When you feel impatience beginning to arise, take a deep breath in and count to ten, then breathe out slowly counting to ten. Allow yourself the room to breathe between tasks throughout the day and remember that everything does not have to be done right now or in quick succession. In a world of now, slowing down may be just what you need.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

How The Addiction to Dopamine Hijacks the Brain. (Part 3) -Stepping Stone Community Services

Author: Lynda Benigno

The goals of treatment for addiction should comprise of stopping the use of the substance, helping the addict remain substance-free and become productive in all areas in life including family, work and society. No single treatment will work for everyone, and as with other diseases, some trial and error to see what is effective for the patient is needed. One of the most effective methods of treatment is counseling and behavioral therapy. Treatment should also include addressing traumas and any existing psychological disorders. Patients should have a complete physical exam that includes testing for STD'S, infectious diseases and other health problems that the substance use may have caused. Detoxing while under a medical professionals care is preferred and a good first step. Long term follow up care that also includes support from family, friends or a sponsor will help prevent relapse. Restructuring the family unit through family therapy can create a loving and supportive environment that increases the chance of sobriety and aid in the healing process for all who are involved.

Detoxing and the role of medication

As previously mentioned, detoxing under a medical professionals care is preferred. An addict with severe dependence may experience dangerous withdrawal symptoms that can last from days to weeks. While not all withdrawal symptoms are life-threatening, they can be alarming to the addict and those around them. These acute symptoms may include, hyperactivity, sweating, nausea, increased blood pressure or heart rate, body pains or headaches, disorientation, insomnia, night sweats, fatigue, fever or chills, and hallucinations. A medical professional can prescribe medications that can ease withdrawal symptoms and aid in sobriety. These include:

*Naltrexone: Reduces relapse for narcotic and alcohol dependence by blocking opioid receptors that are involved with the pre-frontal cortex of the brain where reward is triggered.

*Suboxone, Probuphine, Sublocade: Reduces cravings and withdraw symptoms for those with opioid dependence

Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy

The goal with behavioral and cognitive therapies is to modify the patient's attitude and behavior related to substance abuse as well as create healthy lifestyle goals that will promote sobriety. This process works to keep the patient engaged in the treatment process and provides incentives to stay sober. Patients learn how to cope with everyday stressors as well as the thoughts and emotions that lead to substance use. They also learn how to how to remove themselves from situations that trigger substance use. By rewarding healthy behavior and consciously seeing thoughts in a realistic way, the patient will learn not to attach a negative emotion or response to their experience. Behavioral and cognitive therapies can be tailored to meet the patients individual needs making treatment effective.

Family Therapy

Family therapy has been shown to be more effective than standard support counseling. Family therapy is used to resolve family conflict, repair relationships and improve the function of the unit as a whole in a way that promotes sobriety. Family therapy will address the impact of addiction, mental health concerns and any trauma that is the result of addiction. Family therapy also helps to validate the experiences of each family member while developing new communication skills and healthy behavioral dynamics. Family therapy provides healing and sobriety for all parties involved.

12 Step Program

12 step facilitation therapy helps promote long term sobriety through engagement with peers. The three basic tenants behind this approach are acceptance, surrender and active involvement. Although the 12 step program was initially developed for alcoholics, the program is useful for various addictions including narcotics and debtors. The program is based heavily on religion, but those with non-religious beliefs have found the program helpful. The focus does not have to be on any particular religion or deity but rather something bigger than yourself such as the universe. The 12 steps are as followed:

*Admit that you are powerless over your addiction and your life has become unmanageable.

*Believe a power higher than yourself can restore you to sanity

* Decide to turn over your will and life to God; however, you understand God to be.

*Take moral inventory of yourself in a fearless manner

*Admit to God, yourself and others the true nature of your wrongs

*Be entirely ready to have God remove all of your defects of character

*Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings

*Make a list of all persons you have wronged and be willing to make amends

*Make amends to those on your list except when doing so will cause more harm to the other person

*Continue to take a moral inventory of yourself and when you are wrong promptly admit so

*Through prayer and meditation, seek to improve contact with God, pray for knowledge of his will for you and the strength to carry it out

*Having experienced a spiritual awakening, try to carry this message to other addicts and continue to practice these principals in all of your affairs.

Role of a Sponsor in Recovery

Having a sponsor as well as regular meetings offers social support that is a critical component of AA. A sponsor provides one on one support and has usually had experience in the program for an extended period. Majority of sponsors make themselves available 24/7 so that there is someone available whenever the need arises. Since your sponsor is also in recovery, they can detect the early warning signs that you may relapse and provide the extra support needed to help you stay sober. Your sponsor is also responsible for giving honest feedback on behavior and thought patterns as well as helping you through your 12 steps.

Therapeutic Communities

Rehabilitation at a therapeutic community provides a highly structured program where patients reside. The time frame is dependent on the severity of the addiction and can range anywhere from 6-12 months. Staff members, as well as peers, play a role in influencing change. It is a group based approach that also includes medically trained professionals and other specialists such as a psychiatrist. The focus is placed on the overall health and well being of the patient. These include making lifestyle changes such as developing a routine as well as learning life skills that promote sobriety. The patients attend group therapy, individual or family therapy, education classes as well as participating in work-related responsibilities. The running of the community is based on everyone's participation and is highly structured. This tactic promotes healthy socialization skills and helps each person participate constructively in society.

Access to Care

Insurance does not always cover addiction treatment and when it does it may not include treatment for as long as the patient requires. When looking for a treatment center, many are surprised to find that immediate access is not possible. Restrictions placed on clinicians that include how many patients can be treated at a time limits the number of beds available at rehab centers. Without immediate access, an addict may discard the notion of treatment and continue using.

Addressing our response to addiction is critical. Accepting that addiction is a disease also means accepting it should be treated as a disease. Although penalties should be imposed for criminal offenses, addressing the underlying condition with the primary focus on rehabilitation would be much more effective.

If you or someone you know has a substance abuse problem, please contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-4357

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

How The Addiction to Dopamine Hijacks the Brain. (Part 2)

Author: Lynda Benigno

In part one of this series, we covered what addiction is and the physical and psychological consequences. Aside from changes in the brain and decline in physical and mental health, an addict faces a range of consequences that are far-reaching and often extends beyond themselves.

Impact on Family

Addicts relationships become unstable, and separation from family members is prevalent. Addicts often become isolated and may come home late or not at all. Other family members or neighbors may step in and provide care and support for the addict's spouse and children. A spouse, deciding they have had enough, may file for divorce and seek custody of minor children. Financial resources become depleted in order to support the addict's addiction, and unpaid bills that lead to the loss of housing, transportation or use of utilities affects the entire household. Fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, stress, denial, and embarrassment are common for those who live with an addicted family member. Children of an addict may act as a surrogate spouse taking on adult responsibilities such as caring for younger siblings before they are mature enough to do so. The lack of positive role modeling, concepts of normal behavior and trust has a lasting impact on children. Finding it challenging to sustain a meaningful relationship with their addicted parent, a child may lash out in a variety of ways such as temper tantrums or disruptive behavior. Children of addicts are at risk of developing trust issues, impaired learning capabilities, difficulty adjusting to change, increased rates of divorce, control issues, depression, low self-esteem, violence, anxiety and are at a higher risk of becoming addicts themselves. A child born to an addicted mother is at risk for low birth rate, STD'S, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or being born addicted to opioids leading to withdraw after birth. The spouse of an addict who does not use may attempt to compensate for the using parent's shortcomings by taking on the provider role. The non- using spouse, seeking to protect their children and provide emotional and financial security is often overwhelmed and experiences high levels of stress and anxiety. Asking for help becomes difficult because the spouse may feel a great deal of embarrassment and shame and fears judgment from others.

Legal Consequences

It is not uncommon for an addict to experience legal troubles. Impaired thinking leads to poor decision making and an increase in aggressive behaviors. Theft, driving under the influence, possession of a controlled substance and violent crimes are the most common criminal charges an addict can face. Domestic violence has been linked to addiction with upwards of 50% of violent crimes being committed by men who have a substance abuse problem. As many as 80% of child abuse cases are linked to drug or alcohol abuse. As an addicts tolerance builds an addict may resort to theft, stealing from family, friends or committing burglary at retail stores or residential homes. Depending on the offense, an addict may lose driving privileges, lose custody of minor children, serve time in jail or residential rehabilitation program.

Financial Consequences

Due to addiction, an addict may miss work more than those who don't use. Work performance may decline, and professional licenses may be revoked leading to job loss. If an addict faced criminal charges, an employer might refuse to hire them. Failing health, accidents or violence can lead to higher medical bills. Growing drug tolerance leads the addict to spend more of their financial resources on supporting their addiction. Irresponsible spending may lead to foreclosure, repossession of vehicles, loss of utilities and an inability to put food on the table. Legal fees due to criminal charges or divorce and custody battles; including the cost of an attorney, court fees, fines, and time lost at work to attend court appearances add up quickly.

If you or someone you know has a substance abuse problem, please contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-4357.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

#ssfravenna #ssravenna #steppingstonecommunityservices

How The Addiction to Dopamine Hijacks the Brain (Part 1)

Author: Lynda Benigno

Scientific research tells us addiction hijacks the brain. The brain undergoes adverse changes that last long after the effects of the drug have worn off. Wiring in the brain is modified, and neurons die. The prefrontal cortex works with the anterior cingulate cortex in evaluating reward and punishment, controlling motivation, memory, attention, decision making, and regulating mood and emotions. Dopamine, a chemical released from neurons in the prefrontal cortex is released during pleasurable experiences. Eating, sex, exercise, meditation, or listening to music can trigger dopamine release. While a dose of dopamine from healthy activities is not problematic, the release of dopamine from stimulants increases the risk of addiction.

After ingesting a stimulant; dopamine is activated causing intense pleasure. In order to bring stimulation down to a manageable level the brain needs to adapt, so it offsets by reducing the number of dopamine receptor cells or increases the number of dopamine transporters. These changes cause drug tolerance leading to a higher amount of the drug being needed to achieve the same effects that were previously experienced.

For an addict, the prefrontal cortex and anterior cingulate cortex no longer function properly. The ability to evaluate risk or make decisions becomes impaired. The addict experiences changes in their ability to learn as well as memory. In severe cases, other physical conditions can develop such as damage to organs, skin changes such as lesions or acne and dental problems. Studies show those who abuse drugs are twice as likely to develop a mood disorder and substance abuse has an effect on any pre-existing mental disorders. Mood swings, erratic behavior, psychosis ( losing touch with reality), depression, suicide, and death are possible outcomes. Drug use increases risky behavior and leads the addict to behave out of character, which can have serious consequences. When under the influence an addict is more likely to have an accident, overdose, engage in risky sexual activity, commit violent acts or commit suicide.

The effects of addiction go beyond the physical and mental body. Broken relationships along with legal and financial problems are often consequences an addict faces. We will explore this topic in Part 2.

If you or a loved one has a substance abuse problem, please contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-4357.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

How To Deal With A Toxic Work Environment When You Really Need The Job.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Approximately one-third of human life is spent working, one-fifth of American workers report working in a hostile or threatening environment. Workplace incivility is defined as the accumulation of thoughtless actions that leave employees feeling disrespected, intentionally ignored, undermined by colleagues or belittled by insensitive managers. A study in 2018 looked at the correlation between incivility in the workplace and symptoms of insomnia; findings suggested workplace incivility led to negative workplace rumination that takes a toll of sleep quality. Poor sleep affects your body's physical and psychological well being. Those that struggle with sleep problems and high-stress levels are also at higher risk of developing diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity, difficulty managing anger, and a shortened life span. There is this idea that a bad job is better than no job; however, studies show those who went from unemployment to a poor quality job had higher biological indicators of stress than those who remained unemployed.

Employers set the tone for the work environment, deciding what is valued and tolerated in terms of a code of conduct. There are some red flags to look for when trying to determine whether your workplace is toxic.

* You are overworked leading to burnout and feelings of anger toward your employer.

* You experience workplace dread: Feelings of dread and stress that are present despite being home or engaging in personal time.

* You have a toxic manager: Displays anger or resorts to issuing threats, humiliating employees, intimidation, verbal abuse, or undermining an employees ability to accomplish his or her work.

*Poor communication: There is no communication at all, poor communication between employees and supervisors, withholding information or giving misleading information.

*Policies and Procedures are inconsistent: Company rules are implemented for one group while everyone else does what they please. This includes management not being held to the same ethical and behavioral standard as inferiors or playing favorites.

You may not have much control over your work environment, but you do have control over how you cope. If speaking with management gets you nowhere, practicing psychological detachment will reduce the effects of working in a toxic environment. Psychological detachment involves avoidance of work-related thoughts, actions, and emotions during non-working hours. When coupled with relaxation this practice results in better sleep, less mental exhaustion and better overall health. You are making a conscious choice to shift your focus from work to something that brings you joy, leaving no room for negative work-place rumination.

Along with avoidance of work-related thoughts during non-work hours, you can try the following:

* Exercise

*Plan future events such as vacations

*Meditation

*Listen to music

*Engage in hobbies or volunteer work

- I highly recommend volunteer work, in a toxic work environment you may feel what you are doing is meaningless; helping others can give you a

sense of purpose and feel good boost.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

#ssravenna #workstress #ssfravenna #mentalhealth #payday

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or maybe just slightly depressed? -Stepping Stone Community Services

Author: Lynda Benigno

Imagine you are, by all outward appearances, put together and active. You go to work every day, attend social events with family and friends, and engage in hobbies. People who know you would say you have got everything in your life under control, you are a high achiever, and everything appears fine all of the time. However, underneath something festers. You push through your thoughts and feel little to no joy during your day. When you get home, you are exhausted. Sadness, anger, guilt or self-doubt slowly returns. You went through the motions of another day, decide to watch some tv and go to bed. You may be getting through each day, but that doesn't mean you don't need help.

The term" high functioning depression" is not an official diagnosis. It is a buzzword coined mainly on social media and blogs as a description for what it feels like to have PDD, Persistent Depressive Disorder or Dysthymia. Many people have said the buzzword used to describe PDD has helped them talk about their condition more openly or got them back into therapy to work on their coping skills. PDD is a less severe but more chronic form of major depressive disorder. There are nine different forms of depression currently recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Your level of functioning is used for diagnostic purposes. The low end is crippling depression. Basic hygiene, getting out of bed, difficulty maintaining relationships or holding down a job are characteristic of crippling depression. Goals set in talk therapy for crippling depression are more clearly defined because the impact on daily life and functionality is more apparent, taking a shower or going to the grocery store would be actionable goals. With PDD, identifying actionable goals during treatment can be more difficult because the patient is performing daily functions and the patients desired outcome is often vague, he or she just wants to be happy. Symptoms of PDD mirror that of other depressive disorders and may vary from person to person.

Symptoms of PDD can include :

*Lost interest in daily activities

*Hopelessness

*Low self-esteem

*Feelings of inadequacy

*Sadness, emptiness

*Trouble concentrating or making decisions

*Irritability or excessive anger

*Feeling of guilt or excessive worry

*Poor appetite or overeating

*Excessive sleeping or insomnia

*Patients with PDD are often high achievers who seek perfection and may have trouble slowing down or resting.

Recognizing symptoms and seeking help is an important step to take to start feeling better. Identifying myths is just as crucial because they can keep you from seeking treatment.

These include:

*Depression always involves episodes of crying or irritability

*Depression always contains thoughts of suicide

*There must be an identifiable reason for your feelings ( often there is no explanation other than " I just feel this way")

*Functionality is always tied to your emotional well being

*Everyone who has depression has the same symptoms and experience

Medication, when used in conjunction with talk therapy has been proven to be the most effective for patients with PDD. Your treatment can vary depending on a number of factors, including, willingness to get better, your ability to tolerate medication, and severity of symptoms. Acceptance of your condition, giving yourself permission to slow down and lifestyle changes are also beneficial.

No one gets better overnight, be gentle with yourself. Seek support from friends and family who are capable of being equally gentle. It takes strength to seek treatment so take a moment to recognize that strength within yourself. Sometimes it takes some trial and error to figure out how to get to equal footing. Staying on a long term treatment program will help prevent relapse of symptoms. Genetics, trauma, and stress are contributing factors and can be addressed in psychotherapy. Depression, no matter which type you suffer from, is a lifelong companion, but it does not need to be so loud.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the Nation Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Reaching High For The Prestige.

Author: Lynda Benigno

We are all operating under a system. It's a game we were born into, and we are expected to play the game whether we want to or not. Our conditioning demands it. The most asked question a child will hear is "what do you want to be when you grow up?". At that point, they are already players in the game. They are reaching for a destination, one that seemingly has an endpoint but in reality, will follow them the rest of their lives.

Each day we are inundated with the message of needing more and reaching for the stars. We use words such as "grind" to describe the relentless pursuit of financial goals and acquisition of material goods. Through email, mailbox, social media, billboards and television, we are swamped in advertisements and little reminders that enough is never enough. Photos and videos on social media, especially those of celebrities carry the message that if you work hard enough, long enough and really want it, you too can be just like them. This is not to say goals, financial or otherwise are detrimental. Goals are a healthy practice, but when your goals consume your life to the point that you experience excess stress, sleep deprivation, little time for family, friends, and most importantly yourself, it becomes problematic.

Stress and anxiety are prevalent in our society. Anxiety affects 40 million adults each year and is the most prevalent mental illness in the United States. It's not just adults who are affected. Anxiety is common among children aged 6-13 and very common among 14-18-year-olds. Only 36% of adults get treated for their anxiety. Access to affordable healthcare as well as stigmatism contributes to such a low number. The expectation of success at any cost, the fallacy that doing always leads to positive results, fear of failure or disappointing others, keeping up with the Joneses and the idea that happiness is elusive but found in acquired goods or others definition of success undoubtedly affects our mental health. If we were honest, we would admit its exhausting.

As a society, we attach tremendous value on things and status. We look for the next big thing, rarely taking a moment to acknowledge the little victories we achieve each day. For some just getting out of bed is a victory. We stop thinking about what we truly want out of our lives and find ourselves living up to everyone elses expectations and standards. We cease being individuals; rarely taking the time to stop and look inward to see that the destination is where we are now. Sure, there are things you want to do and more achievements to be had, but right now you are allowed to be happy with where you are. A goal, when executed with balance, should be celebrated. I only wish more would remember it's the relationships we form, the time given to a friend, space where we allow ourselves to exist as we are, the souls we touch with kind words and encouragement, the love we have to give, that will weave the fabric of success. Know thyself and live for love, at the end of the day it's all we truly have. It is the ultimate destination.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.