Coping with Feelings: It is not always wise to forgive and forget.

Author: Lynda Benigno

 There are dozens of quotes from philosophers and religious clergy espousing the tenents of forgiveness.  While the idea of forgiveness is noble, in situations in which deep hurt or trauma has occurred, forgiveness may be the exact opposite of what a person needs. For them to forgive is to ignore the fundamental emotional and mental process that needs to occur. The definition of forgiveness is to grant pardon to a person for an offense, to absolve and cease to feel resentment. The real nuance of forgiveness places the focus on the other person, to relieve them of any wrongdoing. The expectation is that any negative emotion towards the other person ceases to exist.

 I am saying bull to the whole facade. Forgiveness is not needed to move on, to heal, or be healthy. Emotions are not always logical; however, ignoring your feelings will not work. Our emotions carry essential messages; anger, hurt, and sadness tell us to be careful and to take care of ourselves. Forgiveness can not be forced. Refusing to forgive does not make you a bad person, a negative person, or unenlightened. You are entitled to your feelings, to honor them and listen to what they are telling you because they are there for a reason.

 There are many instances in which forgiving can do more harm than good. We live in a time when society tells us that the dark emotions we have are "bad". Instead of allowing ourselves to feel them, we should stuff them down. Forgiveness is touted as a cure-all for being hurt by another person. Prescribing forgiveness to someone after severe betrayal, abuse, or trauma only serves to heap guilt on top of the anger and hurt the victim is already feeling. You are telling them that they are to ignore their own needs to cater to the other persons emotional well being. There have been cases in which family members will turn their backs on the victim of abuse because they won't let go, forgive, and go with the program.  Someone who has been deeply hurt may tell others they have forgiven to relieve the pressure and constant clamoring for them to do so. The situation then becomes more stressful because they must live a lie by pretending everything is okay. Doing this can lead to depression and isolation.  I implore anyone who gets told that their reaction to feeling hurt is the problem, not the offense itself, to RUN! It is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

 True forgiveness is a process with no time limit. The offender must be held accountable for their actions and understand the damage they have done. Discussions need to take place in which full responsibility is taken, and genuine guilt and remorse are displayed. A sincere apology absent of excuses is required. The person on the receiving end needs to be given the time and space that they need to work through their emotions.

 Moreover, to forgive before any accountability prevents the offender from learning from their mistake. Some betrayals are so egregious that forgiveness is tantamount to handing the other person a bullet so they can take another shot. It is up to you to decide what relationships are worth repairing and which ones are not.

 Healing should always be your goal. It is okay to feel anger.  It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel betrayed. Use the emotions you have to build and reinforce boundaries that will protect you from the other person if the situation calls for it. Spend time talking to those who love you and care about your well being. These people will not pressure you to be anywhere emotionally  except where you are and can be a tremendous source of support. Pay close attention to your feelings and manage them to the best of your ability. Talk therapy can help sort out confusing emotions and give you the tools to manage your feelings when they arise. Take care of yourself by eating well and getting enough exercise and sleep.  Take a stand for your own needs and recognize that healing does not require forgiveness. Healing requires acknowledging your emotions and working through them to find peace within yourself. If you are in a situation where forgiveness comes easy, that is wonderful. If not, let yourself off the hook. To thy own self be true.

 The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience.

Author: Lynda Benigno

We have all heard the saying "Patience is a virtue". We live in a world of instant everything, and so we have come to expect immediate gratification. When we find ourselves in a situation that isn't going according to plan or what we want is not provided right away, we tend to feel a flood of emotions. Impatience increases adrenaline, cortisol, and blood pressure that eventually leads to heart disease. You are also more likely to make rash decisions or damage relationships. On the flip side, fostering patience can lead to improved relations, communication, decision making and less stress that affects the mind and body. Patience is a skill that we can learn and with practice becomes a way of being.

Recognize The Moments That Trigger Impatience

Certain situations may arise throughout your day that trigger impatience. Perhaps you are waiting in a long line at the grocery store while on your lunch break or with your kids. You begin to feel angry or irritated. You want to tell the cashier to hurry up, you are on a time crunch, or the kids are having a meltdown. You can't understand why it's taking so long to check out. Making a list of these moments allows you to become conscious of the scenarios in which impatience occurs, so you are better prepared to use healthy coping strategies.

Understand The Feelings That Occur When Impatience Arises

We want to feel comfortable at all times. When impatience appears, it can feel like intolerable emotional pain. When we understand that uncomfortable is different from intolerable, we can better manage our response. Recognizing the feelings that occur is a response to our lack of control over the situation and is not as big as we make it in our heads helps to lessen the impact of the inconvenience you are experiencing.

Work On The Narrative In Your Head

The thoughts you have and the way you talk to yourself has a significant impact on your response to any given situation. If you are standing in a long line, you might think " I can't stand waiting, I have so much to do" or " Why is this line so slow". Perhaps you begin to think about other times you were in a long line and how you felt at that moment. You start to compare that moment with the present moment and feel your emotions heighten. When this thought process begins to occur, slow yourself down. Take a deep breath and acknowledge the thoughts you just had. Remind yourself that you are disappointed in the situation, and it is making you uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable is tolerable. The situation is temporary and in the grand scheme of things is not that big of a deal.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening requires patience. When we actively listen to another person, they feel heard, and our responses are better thought out. When someone is speaking, we tend to prepare our response while they are still talking instead of soaking in everything being said. You can practice active listening by quieting your thoughts and solely concentrating on what you are hearing. When the other person is finished talking, take a moment to think out your response. The conversation slows down, communication improves, and both people feel understood and heard.

Look At The Big Picture

Problem-solving becomes easier and less stressful if you look at it from different angles. Impatience causes us to make quick and sometimes irrational decisions. When you take the time to slow down, explore all of your options and the different outcomes associated with each, you are more likely to make an educated and rational choice. Even if a decision needs to be made quickly, taking a moment to think of the consequences as opposed to jumping to the first thought in your mind is always a better choice.

Desired Outcome and Looking from Another Perspective

We all have the ability to help or hurt in any given situation. When you become impatient, you may lash out. You may shout at the cashier to hurry up, become pushy, demanding and display outward signs of the anger and irritation you feel inside. Doing so will surely make the situation worse and have no benefit to anyone, not even yourself. If you are stuck in traffic on your way to work; yelling at the person in the car in front of you will not speed up your arrival, and furthermore, you have taken your frustration out on someone who also has very little control over the situation. At that moment you have to decide what the desired outcome is. Do you want to arrive at work quickly or do you want to arrive safely? Would an impatient response make the situation better or worse?

Breathe And Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are patient with yourself, you make room for patience with others. When you feel impatience beginning to arise, take a deep breath in and count to ten, then breathe out slowly counting to ten. Allow yourself the room to breathe between tasks throughout the day and remember that everything does not have to be done right now or in quick succession. In a world of now, slowing down may be just what you need.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

How The Addiction to Dopamine Hijacks the Brain. (Part 2)

Author: Lynda Benigno

In part one of this series, we covered what addiction is and the physical and psychological consequences. Aside from changes in the brain and decline in physical and mental health, an addict faces a range of consequences that are far-reaching and often extends beyond themselves.

Impact on Family

Addicts relationships become unstable, and separation from family members is prevalent. Addicts often become isolated and may come home late or not at all. Other family members or neighbors may step in and provide care and support for the addict's spouse and children. A spouse, deciding they have had enough, may file for divorce and seek custody of minor children. Financial resources become depleted in order to support the addict's addiction, and unpaid bills that lead to the loss of housing, transportation or use of utilities affects the entire household. Fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, stress, denial, and embarrassment are common for those who live with an addicted family member. Children of an addict may act as a surrogate spouse taking on adult responsibilities such as caring for younger siblings before they are mature enough to do so. The lack of positive role modeling, concepts of normal behavior and trust has a lasting impact on children. Finding it challenging to sustain a meaningful relationship with their addicted parent, a child may lash out in a variety of ways such as temper tantrums or disruptive behavior. Children of addicts are at risk of developing trust issues, impaired learning capabilities, difficulty adjusting to change, increased rates of divorce, control issues, depression, low self-esteem, violence, anxiety and are at a higher risk of becoming addicts themselves. A child born to an addicted mother is at risk for low birth rate, STD'S, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or being born addicted to opioids leading to withdraw after birth. The spouse of an addict who does not use may attempt to compensate for the using parent's shortcomings by taking on the provider role. The non- using spouse, seeking to protect their children and provide emotional and financial security is often overwhelmed and experiences high levels of stress and anxiety. Asking for help becomes difficult because the spouse may feel a great deal of embarrassment and shame and fears judgment from others.

Legal Consequences

It is not uncommon for an addict to experience legal troubles. Impaired thinking leads to poor decision making and an increase in aggressive behaviors. Theft, driving under the influence, possession of a controlled substance and violent crimes are the most common criminal charges an addict can face. Domestic violence has been linked to addiction with upwards of 50% of violent crimes being committed by men who have a substance abuse problem. As many as 80% of child abuse cases are linked to drug or alcohol abuse. As an addicts tolerance builds an addict may resort to theft, stealing from family, friends or committing burglary at retail stores or residential homes. Depending on the offense, an addict may lose driving privileges, lose custody of minor children, serve time in jail or residential rehabilitation program.

Financial Consequences

Due to addiction, an addict may miss work more than those who don't use. Work performance may decline, and professional licenses may be revoked leading to job loss. If an addict faced criminal charges, an employer might refuse to hire them. Failing health, accidents or violence can lead to higher medical bills. Growing drug tolerance leads the addict to spend more of their financial resources on supporting their addiction. Irresponsible spending may lead to foreclosure, repossession of vehicles, loss of utilities and an inability to put food on the table. Legal fees due to criminal charges or divorce and custody battles; including the cost of an attorney, court fees, fines, and time lost at work to attend court appearances add up quickly.

If you or someone you know has a substance abuse problem, please contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-4357.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

#ssfravenna #ssravenna #steppingstonecommunityservices

How To Deal With A Toxic Work Environment When You Really Need The Job.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Approximately one-third of human life is spent working, one-fifth of American workers report working in a hostile or threatening environment. Workplace incivility is defined as the accumulation of thoughtless actions that leave employees feeling disrespected, intentionally ignored, undermined by colleagues or belittled by insensitive managers. A study in 2018 looked at the correlation between incivility in the workplace and symptoms of insomnia; findings suggested workplace incivility led to negative workplace rumination that takes a toll of sleep quality. Poor sleep affects your body's physical and psychological well being. Those that struggle with sleep problems and high-stress levels are also at higher risk of developing diabetes, cardiovascular disease, obesity, difficulty managing anger, and a shortened life span. There is this idea that a bad job is better than no job; however, studies show those who went from unemployment to a poor quality job had higher biological indicators of stress than those who remained unemployed.

Employers set the tone for the work environment, deciding what is valued and tolerated in terms of a code of conduct. There are some red flags to look for when trying to determine whether your workplace is toxic.

* You are overworked leading to burnout and feelings of anger toward your employer.

* You experience workplace dread: Feelings of dread and stress that are present despite being home or engaging in personal time.

* You have a toxic manager: Displays anger or resorts to issuing threats, humiliating employees, intimidation, verbal abuse, or undermining an employees ability to accomplish his or her work.

*Poor communication: There is no communication at all, poor communication between employees and supervisors, withholding information or giving misleading information.

*Policies and Procedures are inconsistent: Company rules are implemented for one group while everyone else does what they please. This includes management not being held to the same ethical and behavioral standard as inferiors or playing favorites.

You may not have much control over your work environment, but you do have control over how you cope. If speaking with management gets you nowhere, practicing psychological detachment will reduce the effects of working in a toxic environment. Psychological detachment involves avoidance of work-related thoughts, actions, and emotions during non-working hours. When coupled with relaxation this practice results in better sleep, less mental exhaustion and better overall health. You are making a conscious choice to shift your focus from work to something that brings you joy, leaving no room for negative work-place rumination.

Along with avoidance of work-related thoughts during non-work hours, you can try the following:

* Exercise

*Plan future events such as vacations

*Meditation

*Listen to music

*Engage in hobbies or volunteer work

- I highly recommend volunteer work, in a toxic work environment you may feel what you are doing is meaningless; helping others can give you a

sense of purpose and feel good boost.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any physical or mental condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

#ssravenna #workstress #ssfravenna #mentalhealth #payday

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or maybe just slightly depressed? -Stepping Stone Community Services

Author: Lynda Benigno

Imagine you are, by all outward appearances, put together and active. You go to work every day, attend social events with family and friends, and engage in hobbies. People who know you would say you have got everything in your life under control, you are a high achiever, and everything appears fine all of the time. However, underneath something festers. You push through your thoughts and feel little to no joy during your day. When you get home, you are exhausted. Sadness, anger, guilt or self-doubt slowly returns. You went through the motions of another day, decide to watch some tv and go to bed. You may be getting through each day, but that doesn't mean you don't need help.

The term" high functioning depression" is not an official diagnosis. It is a buzzword coined mainly on social media and blogs as a description for what it feels like to have PDD, Persistent Depressive Disorder or Dysthymia. Many people have said the buzzword used to describe PDD has helped them talk about their condition more openly or got them back into therapy to work on their coping skills. PDD is a less severe but more chronic form of major depressive disorder. There are nine different forms of depression currently recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Your level of functioning is used for diagnostic purposes. The low end is crippling depression. Basic hygiene, getting out of bed, difficulty maintaining relationships or holding down a job are characteristic of crippling depression. Goals set in talk therapy for crippling depression are more clearly defined because the impact on daily life and functionality is more apparent, taking a shower or going to the grocery store would be actionable goals. With PDD, identifying actionable goals during treatment can be more difficult because the patient is performing daily functions and the patients desired outcome is often vague, he or she just wants to be happy. Symptoms of PDD mirror that of other depressive disorders and may vary from person to person.

Symptoms of PDD can include :

*Lost interest in daily activities

*Hopelessness

*Low self-esteem

*Feelings of inadequacy

*Sadness, emptiness

*Trouble concentrating or making decisions

*Irritability or excessive anger

*Feeling of guilt or excessive worry

*Poor appetite or overeating

*Excessive sleeping or insomnia

*Patients with PDD are often high achievers who seek perfection and may have trouble slowing down or resting.

Recognizing symptoms and seeking help is an important step to take to start feeling better. Identifying myths is just as crucial because they can keep you from seeking treatment.

These include:

*Depression always involves episodes of crying or irritability

*Depression always contains thoughts of suicide

*There must be an identifiable reason for your feelings ( often there is no explanation other than " I just feel this way")

*Functionality is always tied to your emotional well being

*Everyone who has depression has the same symptoms and experience

Medication, when used in conjunction with talk therapy has been proven to be the most effective for patients with PDD. Your treatment can vary depending on a number of factors, including, willingness to get better, your ability to tolerate medication, and severity of symptoms. Acceptance of your condition, giving yourself permission to slow down and lifestyle changes are also beneficial.

No one gets better overnight, be gentle with yourself. Seek support from friends and family who are capable of being equally gentle. It takes strength to seek treatment so take a moment to recognize that strength within yourself. Sometimes it takes some trial and error to figure out how to get to equal footing. Staying on a long term treatment program will help prevent relapse of symptoms. Genetics, trauma, and stress are contributing factors and can be addressed in psychotherapy. Depression, no matter which type you suffer from, is a lifelong companion, but it does not need to be so loud.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the Nation Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Combating Chronic Fears. -Stepping Stone Community Services Blog

Author: Lynda Benigno

When we are born, we have two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Some fears are primal and keep us safe; the rest is a result of the culture we grow up in and the conditioning we experience as children. Primal fear served an evolutionary purpose, keeping humans alert from predators and animals that posed a threat. In today's world, primal fear takes the form of making enough money to live comfortably and keeping our homes safe from potential intruders. In small doses, fear can motivate us to meet deadlines, personal goals or prevent us from doing something dangerous such as driving after drinking. Too much fear can rob you of joy and become debilitating.

If you have chronic fear, the world can look like a scary place, and your memories will confirm your fearful experience. Fearful messages are everywhere. Watch the news; every other story contains a message of fear. Chronic fear can interrupt brain functions that regulate emotion, non-verbal cues, and the ability to reflect before acting and behave ethically. The long term stress you experience with chronic fear kills the brain cells in your hippocampus leading to deterioration of memory and short circuits the response paths creating constant feelings of anxiety. You will experience fatigue, depression, accelerated aging and you are at risk for premature death.

Decisions made based on fear are rarely good ones. In a fearful state, the choice is being made based on emotions, when our feelings take over we discard logic and facts. Instead of making a confident decision that will lead to growth we experience regrets or a lot of what if's. Low confidence in your decision leads to more fear, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Instead of getting caught up in your fears and emotions, make decisions based on what you want instead of what makes you feel fearful. Ask yourself if the choice you are about to make will bring you happiness. Gather all of the facts and information, so you are making an informed decision. Trust your past personal experiences, perhaps the last time you made the right decision you experienced an excited flutter in your stomach, and you just knew it was the right thing to do. A bad decision may have led to a stomach ache or knot in your throat. Your body often gives you clues as to what is right for you, take the time to listen. If you have difficulty making decisions or letting go of your fears, especially if it interferes with your daily life, talking to a therapist may be right for you.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-4099.

Reaching High For The Prestige.

Author: Lynda Benigno

We are all operating under a system. It's a game we were born into, and we are expected to play the game whether we want to or not. Our conditioning demands it. The most asked question a child will hear is "what do you want to be when you grow up?". At that point, they are already players in the game. They are reaching for a destination, one that seemingly has an endpoint but in reality, will follow them the rest of their lives.

Each day we are inundated with the message of needing more and reaching for the stars. We use words such as "grind" to describe the relentless pursuit of financial goals and acquisition of material goods. Through email, mailbox, social media, billboards and television, we are swamped in advertisements and little reminders that enough is never enough. Photos and videos on social media, especially those of celebrities carry the message that if you work hard enough, long enough and really want it, you too can be just like them. This is not to say goals, financial or otherwise are detrimental. Goals are a healthy practice, but when your goals consume your life to the point that you experience excess stress, sleep deprivation, little time for family, friends, and most importantly yourself, it becomes problematic.

Stress and anxiety are prevalent in our society. Anxiety affects 40 million adults each year and is the most prevalent mental illness in the United States. It's not just adults who are affected. Anxiety is common among children aged 6-13 and very common among 14-18-year-olds. Only 36% of adults get treated for their anxiety. Access to affordable healthcare as well as stigmatism contributes to such a low number. The expectation of success at any cost, the fallacy that doing always leads to positive results, fear of failure or disappointing others, keeping up with the Joneses and the idea that happiness is elusive but found in acquired goods or others definition of success undoubtedly affects our mental health. If we were honest, we would admit its exhausting.

As a society, we attach tremendous value on things and status. We look for the next big thing, rarely taking a moment to acknowledge the little victories we achieve each day. For some just getting out of bed is a victory. We stop thinking about what we truly want out of our lives and find ourselves living up to everyone elses expectations and standards. We cease being individuals; rarely taking the time to stop and look inward to see that the destination is where we are now. Sure, there are things you want to do and more achievements to be had, but right now you are allowed to be happy with where you are. A goal, when executed with balance, should be celebrated. I only wish more would remember it's the relationships we form, the time given to a friend, space where we allow ourselves to exist as we are, the souls we touch with kind words and encouragement, the love we have to give, that will weave the fabric of success. Know thyself and live for love, at the end of the day it's all we truly have. It is the ultimate destination.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Enjoying the Moment. -Stepping Stone Community Services Blog

By: Bethany Latimer

Have you ever had a delicious meal arrive in front of you and moments later look down to see that it was almost gone and you hadn’t really fully enjoyed it? Maybe you were too busy thinking about something that happened in your recent past or were worrying about something coming up in the near future? Most of us have trouble living in the moment. Our minds continuously shuffling through thoughts about the past and future.

Mindfulness; the ability to be fully aware of what is happening with our minds and bodies in the present moment. The Eastern World has practiced mindfulness since the beginning of time. The Western World is becoming aware of why this practice is so important. It is not an easy practice and it takes practice! There are hundreds of techniques to help a person stay in the present moment. These can often be done with more focus and awareness if you have some training in monitoring your thoughts and “self-talk.”

 Mental health therapy is an excellent way to start becoming aware of the thoughts and self-talk that cycle through your head. It is hard to sort through by yourself. After all, our own minds often can not see the problems of our own minds! Getting feedback from a therapist that can recognize patterns in dysfunctional thinking can allow one to clear out some of that clutter that goes through our heads. We can examine reasons why we stay stuck in the past or overly focused on the future. We can learn to live in the moment and enjoy what is right in front of us. The ultimate way to find peace.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

How to get through the holidays after a trauma.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Exhausted, scared, numb, lonely, angry. Emotionally and maybe physically tapped out. Whatever feeling it is inside of you is okay. The holiday season can be especially difficult for anyone who has gone through a trauma or experienced a loss. The expectation is everyone should be joyful no matter what is going on inside. We don't want to make others uncomfortable, so we stuff our emotions down and put on a smile. This expectation extends beyond the holiday season. There is a general push in society to be optimistic at all times. While I will be the first to admit I believe in the importance of optimism in everyday life, I also think it has its time and place. Ignoring our emotions, attempting to cover them up seemingly for our own sake or the sake of others is at best, damaging. Being present isn't just about the joys in our life, it means giving full attention to the unpleasant as well. Acknowledgment can be a catalyst for change when you are ready, but you don't have to be ready now.

Whatever negative emotions you have, they are yours to have. It is your experience for as long as you need it to be. The experience does not define you as weak. Honoring those feelings- by recognizing its presence and allowing yourself to feel it fully, makes you pretty darn strong. Feel no guilt for the existence of those feelings or taking the time to honor them. Notice when you accept those emotions that you are still breathing, you are still standing, and you are strong.

Sometimes our emotions are not something that needs to be resolved quickly so we can go about our day. We can find compassion for ourselves by honoring our emotions as opposed to covering it up with positivity. People you are close to may be well-intentioned and want to help because they want you to feel well. Sometimes this has more to do with their discomfort; they see you are not happy, and they want to "fix" so that you feel happy, and so do they. If we recognize this tendency, we can respond with compassion. I recommend using a phrase such as: " Thank you for trying to help, I am processing right now and need some time.".

No one's life is free from discomfort, and our emotions can be challenging to get a handle on sometimes. I promise you are not alone. You may wake up one day and feel unhappy. You have no idea why, no clue as to what brought it on. That's okay! If you know why it's occurring that's okay too. There is zero need for you to justify it to anyone. Now that's not to say you can walk around and treat others terribly because of it and unfortunately that does occur. We have all heard the saying " Hurt people hurt others.", and if you are having difficulty processing your emotions or projecting your hurt onto others, I highly recommend you speak with a therapist.

I want you to know it's okay that you don't feel okay, take all the time you need.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

A few ways to stop overthinking everything.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Overthinking creates a lot of misery. If you are an over thinker, you find yourself unable to silence the continuous stream of thoughts. You over analyze interactions and events with a narrative that is primarily negative and may include "what if?", " what would I do differently?" and "what I should have said was.". All the while the problem in your head becomes bigger and bigger.

Overthinking is different from introspection. Introspection is like having a meeting with yourself, a chance to check in and gauge where you stand emotionally and spiritually. You take inventory and gain an understanding of your true self, the things about yourself you would like to change and set goals that lead to personal growth. Introspection leads to productive action, overthinking leaves you paralyzed in the thought process.

Studies find overthinking takes a toll on your overall well being. People who overthink are more likely to experience headaches, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, irritability, restlessness, sweating, anxiety, and a distorted view of problems. While stuck in rumination, problem-solving becomes more difficult because instead of looking for a solution, you dwell on mistakes. As you ruminate the risk of mental health problems increase, this leads to more overthinking. You become trapped in a vicious cycle.

Most overthinking comes from our fear of the unknown. We also focus on past and future events heavily. Overall these are things we have little to no control over. As a former control addict, I can say with some certainty relinquishing the grip on everything around us can be incredibly liberating. It frees up your time, head space and makes room for positivity and gratitude. We have no way of changing past events, and the future comes to you in the present moment.

Here are a few things you can try to reduce overthinking :

-Throughout your day take time to notice your thoughts. Realize what is true and what is a made up scenario in your head. If what you are thinking is true, acknowledge its presence. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise and honor them. If it is something you can change make a plan and take action. It may be you must confront someone who hurt you or apologizing if you were in the wrong. If your thoughts are a made up scenario gently remind yourself that your thought pattern is not based on truth and is something you have no control over. Release it into the universe or to God. Journaling can be helpful in the release process; writing down thoughts and feelings helps to clear out the junk that is cluttered up in your head. You can also pinpoint negative thinking patterns and gain a better understanding of yourself.

-Try doing something you love. If you think about the last time you were engaged in an activity that brought you immense joy you may realize that you zoned in on the task and your concentration remained relatively unbroken. You zone in because at that moment you are fully invested in what you are doing. Occasionally an intrusive thought may occur, but you are quick to dismiss it as an annoyance because you are fully present in the moment.

- Find the humor in the ridiculous. If you think about it, so much of what we think about is quite absurd. A few days ago in the car, I observed countless people with leaf blowers and rakes, working tirelessly to make sure there wasn't a single leaf touching their grass. I questioned society's obsession with having a perfectly manicured lawn. Sure, there are practical reasons to cut your grass, but I wondered what was so offensive about leaves in the grass. Nature is full of disorder, why do we insist on trying to control it? I stepped back for a moment, and then I laughed at myself; I spent 15 minutes asking countless "whys?" about something I have no control over. Does someone raking leaves in their yard have a direct impact on my well being? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Is it life altering? Nope. If my spouse asked how my day was, I wouldn't tell him I spent 15 minutes talking to myself about leaves and lawn care because it sounds ridiculous. We humans are funny and fickle creatures. It's not necessary to take ourselves seriously all of the time.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Words that can build yet also destroy.

Words that can build yet also destroy.

Author: Lynda Benigno

 Words have potency, the potential to build a child up or tear them down, motivate or destroy. Your tone is just as important as the words you use. Infants understand facial expressions and tone before language develops. By the age of two, they are responding to verbal communication. As a child begins to get older, the language used by parents and caregivers have a stronger impact on social development, cognitive skills, and emotional development. Words are just words you might say, but science tells us differently.

 All humans have the desire to be understood, accepted, seen and heard. We seek unconditional love, the room to make mistakes without condemnation, and an environment where we can be expressive. Children are no exception. If you are a parent, think back and count how many times you have told your child to think before they speak. Now ask yourself if you are holding yourself to the same standard.

 Children who grow up in homes with degrading and accusatory language, hypercritical and shaming words, frequent comparisons to other children and veiled threats grow up feeling inadequate. The child, ever mindful they are watched from a critical lens can experience a drop in self-esteem, depression, guilt, anxiety, and an inability to manage negative emotions. They may feel self-hatred, become withdrawn or combative, engage in self-harm or turn to alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism. What we know from research is the brain of a child who grows up in a safe, responsive and supportive environment develops normally. In a hostile and unsupportive environment, grey matter of the brain undergoes literal structural changes affecting the hippo campus ( emotion regulation), the frontal cortex ( decision making) and the corpus callosum ( sensory, motor and cognitive superhighway between the brains two hemispheres).  It is indeed a form of abuse.

 As parents and caregivers, we have an obligation to self-reflect.  It is imperative we work through our past traumas and baggage, so we do not pass our wounds to future generations.

  What words will you choose for your children's tiny ears today? Choose wisely, for they will shape who they become.

 If you know a child who is being abused, please contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

The Law Of Attraction.

Author: Lynda Benigno

Research into quantum mechanics shows the simple act of observation creates the observer's reality. If you are not aware of something; be it an object, situation, feeling, thought or person, it won't exist in your subjective reality. The placebo effect shows us negative and positive attitudes produce corresponding results. In other words, the way we think and feel creates our outer world experiences and often influences what action we decide to take.

Everything in the universe is in a constant state of vibration. The colors you see are all vibrations at a particular frequency as are the sounds you hear. Your brain is so powerful it can translate the waves you see and hear into something you can recognize. This translation becomes your reality. Like attracts like vibrations of similar frequency and they become drawn together. If we condition our minds, the outer world and our reality will reflect our new vibration. Just as the environment of a child can either enrich or impede development, your thoughts and subsequent actions can have a powerful impact on your reality and success.

When in a state of confidence, grace, and appreciation, synchronicities increase, patterns appear, and you attract people who are on the same wavelength. Vibrating on a level that matches your desired reality puts you in control of your destiny.

There are simple steps you can take today to help you manifest your heart's desire. The first step is holding a firm belief that you will have the desired outcome. Leave no room for doubt. Trust that the universe ( or God) wants the best for you and is conspiring to give you exactly what you need to attain your goals when you need it and in a time frame that will serve the highest good.

The second step is to behave as if its already yours. If your desired outcome is a new job, when you go to the interview allow your thought patterns to reflect your capabilities and strengths as if you are already doing the job. Like a mantra, you may choose to list these attributes starting with "I am " while getting dressed or in the car.

The third step is to take action to reach your outcome. Permit yourself to release anything that is not directly in your control. Take any necessary steps that are in your reach to attain your desire. If you wanted to start a business, you would apply for a loan, network with others who are successful in the same industry and research the particular requirements needed to get started. Your positive actions coupled with your specific thought patterns will help propel your aspirations into reality.

The last step is to practice gratitude. While there is nothing wrong with desire, appreciating the blessings and joy already present has been shown to increase happiness, deepen relationships and increase productivity. As a result, it helps you reach your goals.

Happy Manifesting!

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

A Meditation Time out.

Author : Lynda Benigno

When you were a child, you probably experienced a timeout. The purpose of a timeout is to give time to reflect and compose one’s demeanor. Whether or not timeouts are useful depends on who you ask. A little over 30 years of scientific research has garnered mixed results. What science does tell us, is taking the time to breathe does have positive benefits for people of all ages.

Taking conscious breaths throughout your day can be like hitting a reset button on your brain. Mindful breathing can improve cognitive functioning as well as mental and physical well-being. Slow deep breaths with your exhale slightly longer than your inhale, are stimulating for your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is the rest and digest system. It is responsible for conserving energy as it slows heart rate, decreases blood pressure, regulates intestinal activity and induces relaxation response within the body.  Byproducts of parasympathetic nervous system stimulation include increased intuition and sound decision making.

 Various breathing techniques exist for therapeutic purposes. Conscious breathing is useful because it shifts your awareness, allowing your mind and body to pause and reset. If you are focused on your breath, you are not focusing on the stressors, and you begin to relax.

 I find conscious breathing most effective at the start of the day or the end of the day. Aside from focusing on your breath, there are no rules. You can sit in a chair or lie down on your bed. If you are at work or in a social situation, there is no shame in excusing yourself and going to the bathroom. Rest your hands comfortably on your belly or at your sides. Close your eyes and inhale slowly and as deeply as you can, count to 4 in your head. Notice the feel of your hands moving upwards as your torso expands like a balloon.  As you exhale count to 6, notice the sound of your breath and the gentle breeze produced as air leaves your lungs. If you become distracted by thoughts or noise in the environment that is okay, continue to breathe until you feel calm and relaxed.  For some, visualization is more helpful than listening to and feeling their breath. If that is the case, think of something pleasant such as the beach while breathing.

 Find what works for you and don't be afraid to make your own rules. Happy Breathing!

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

Say It Like You Mean It.

Ahh, communication. So many words to explain ourselves, yet so many times we feel like we aren’t being heard or understood. The result, we end up repeating ourselves, or using more words to explain or justify or actions. Still there is a misunderstanding, which often results in disagreements that lead to arguments. Most people don’t understand the 4 styles of communication (assertive, passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive), and don’t really understand the fact that they are not being direct and assertive. Many times, this has to do with how we are raised. If the adults in our home got their way by using aggressiveness, most likely they taught you that this is how to speak to others. If people in your home were passive and didn’t voice their preferences or were taught to take a “back seat” to others, they often become passive adults that get walked on. Why is it important to understand your style of communication?

·         Clear communication results in less disagreements and less time wasted

·         Assertive communication reduces the likelihood you will get taken advantage of by         others

·         Understanding your communication style allows you to learn ways to make changes and get more of what you want

·         Direct and assertive communication often raises other’s feelings of respect toward you, which can lead to promotion and pay raises

·         You don’t have to feel guilty about saying things you don’t mean or walk away with the feeling that you should have said something

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

#ssfravenna #ssravenna

Have You been affected by Trauma?

By: Bethany Latimer

Trauma is defined as a distressing or disturbing experience. An estimated 7 out of 10 people have been through a traumatic event. People are resilient, they make it through horrible events in life and continue to manage life, day by day. However, there is a difference in “managing” versus “thriving” in life. Although, we can cope with trauma with the help of friends and family, trauma often lingers in the form of depression, anxiety, quick mood changes and physical ailments like headaches, stomach aches and more. Trauma shows up in the form of nightmares, flashbacks and avoidance of situations that may remind us of the trauma. People may tell us “life goes on” or “life is for the living.” Though these people may mean well, it certainly doesn’t mean the event is forgotten or that we have healed. In some cases, we perceive the trauma as so shameful or humiliating that we keep it to ourselves. Often it takes a professional to help us navigate what the trauma means for our personal story and how we get past the strong emotions associated with it. Therapy is an excellent way to heal from a trauma and feel whole again.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

It's Not You, It's Me.

We use the line “It’s not you, it’s me” when it’s time to end a relationship that just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. We use this line as a way to save the feelings of the other person, but do we really believe it is “me” who needs to change? Not likely. We tend to blame the other person in the relationship without ever really taking a look at the problems we bring to the relationship (to save our own feelings!). Is it no wonder we end up repeating our mistakes in relationships? Do we tend to date the same person (different name and face) over and over again? Only to get frustrated at the time and energy spent on a person that doesn’t meet our needs. Well it is YOU! The good news is you can do something about it. What your probably didn’t know is that we try to “work out” our relationships in our early years by dating adults with the same characteristics. The problem is, they never “work out.” By taking a look at these past relationships with a professional, you can heal once and for all and attract a person that meets your needs and fulfills your idea of a healthy relationship.

The opinions expressed in this article are of the author and not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental or physical condition. If you are struggling, please contact your healthcare provider, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Stepping Stone Community Services at 330-577-6656.

#ssravenna #ssfravenna